13 Reasons Why I’m Not Making A Big Deal Out Of 13 Reasons Why

When it comes to 13 Reasons Why – enough already! If I have to read another article about how it glorifies suicide, I’m going to rip my hair out. If I have to listen to another person rave about how it is bringing taboo topics to light, I’m going to throw up in my mouth.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, 13 Reasons Why is the name of the hit Netflix series that no sooner than hitting the airwaves back in March began sending out its own shock waves throughout the free world. Kids are all abuzz about the show as are adults – at least the ones in my immediate orbit anyway.

I read the book by the same name (written by Jay Asher and published in 2007) a couple of years ago when a friend’s daughter passed it along to me. As far as teen fiction goes, I found it mediocre and forgettable at best. I chucked it, moved on to bigger and better reads and figured that was that.

But that wasn’t that as I soon discovered, when the Netflix series was created and released complete with ensuing frenzy.

Let me come clean and admit that i’m not a fan of the show. While it clearly deals with contentious yet important issues in the teen world (like bullying, rape and suicide), watching it through my mom-lenses highlighted other problems. Characters seemed to say the eff word an awful lot and for no particular reason as well the series is a tad more graphic than I prefer where my children are concerned. But that’s not even the worst of it – it’s melodramatic, self-absorbed and tragic solely for the sake of tragedy – not to mention about as subtle as a sledge hammer to the brain. In other words – a perfectly designed teen drama. Plus, I’m more of a Master of None and Kimmy Schmidt type of girl.

But a lot of people like it – my 13-year-old daughter included. And a lot of people are up in arms about it. Love it or hate it; watch it or give it a pass – but let’s stop making a huge deal out of it. Here are 13 reasons why I’m not making a big deal out of 13 Reasons Why.

#1 It’s Fictional remember

 

Breaking the rules, playing the badass, sticking it to the world – these three concepts can definitely be found in 13 Reasons Why. A teen girl commits suicide, then posthumously releases a number of cassette tapes – it’s a silly albeit intriguing concept especially where today’s teens are concerned.

This preventable tragedy hints at romantic irony and most likely speaks to teens in the same way that Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet did to me back in Grade 11. Juliet poisoning herself, then waking up and stabbing herself through the heart was extremely bothersome to me – probably just as much as Hannah Baker’s decisions and actions were to my daughter. Yet as distressing as I found Juliet’s behaviour, I also knew she was a fictional character designed to expose ultimate despair and heartbreak to readers. The same goes for Hannah Baker . . . I hope.

Where Hannah and her attention-seeking from beyond the grave is concerned – the plot and sub-plots of 13 Reasons Why are really no more ridiculous than Aria Montgomery sleeping with her teacher Mr. Fitz in Pretty Little Liars or Dr. Izzie Stevens playing God with Denny and his damaged heart in Grey’s Anatomy. For the record, none of these shows is my cup of tea. They are composed of absurd characters taking part in preposterous storylines. But do they make for great television? Absolutely.

On another note, there is something much more frightening than fictional television being misconstrued as reality. What about monstrous “reality” shows that are packaged and marketed as real life to impressionable idiots. Programs like Keeping Up With The Kardashians, My Super Sweet 16, The Hills, Jersey Shore, The Bachelor and The Real Housewives franchise to name a few. The fact that people watch these monstrosities and actually believe they accurately reflect real life is more chilling to me than anything found in 13 Reasons Why.

#2 It’s entertainment – at its best or worst

My daughter’s at that age where she’s pushing the envelope with what she wants to watch. Gone are the days when she was gaga over the saccharine sweetness of most family-centric shows out there. Yet still – she’s only 13 and in my opinion, there are still a whack of tv shows and movies out there too mature and graphic in either sexual or violent content – 13 Reasons Why happens to be one of them.

That said, the show consists of elements most kids find appealing – it features a series of over-privileged teenagers, just the right amount of dramatic tragedy and some current hot-button topics right in the center of it all. In other words – 13 Reasons Why is the perfect storm of entertainment geared toward the tween and teen set. There’s no denying it – the show obviously strikes a chord with many children and adults alike.

#3 Let’s not make it something it’s not

Let’s be fair, whatever 13 Reasons Why is or isn’t in terms of entertaining television – it never once purported to be a public service announcement for mental health awareness. No matter my own complicated feelings toward the series, I find it inexcusable to saddle the show with unrealistic expectations. Mental health issues leading to depression, hopelessness and suicide cannot and should not be blamed on 13 Reasons Why – and it is certainly not the program’s responsibility to help solve this particular crisis either.

Some feel the show glorifies suicide as a revenge tactic – I guess that’s one way it could be viewed. It may also just be a completely fictitious and far-fetched storyline designed to draw viewers in.

There are plenty of shows out there that glorify criminal activity, violence, materialism and superficiality. I assume and hope that viewers watch them all with a grain of salt.

#4 Planting a disastrous seed?

Traumatic issues like suicide, violence, self-harm and rape happen to be an unfortunate part of our world’s fabric. Not only is it virtually impossible to shield our kids from these harsh realities – but why would we want to? Allowing them exposure to these facts (to an appropriate degree that they can handle) is part and parcel to raising safe and educated children.

Another going concern revolving around 13 Reasons Why is the possibility of planting a dangerous seed in the minds of impressionable children. Specifically focussing on the idea that suicide is a viable option in dealing with life’s obstacles or even that suicide is a glamorous method in memorializing oneself while also seeking revenge on previous wrongs. And in terms of specific individuals, this concern may be a legitimate one.

When all is said and done – parents (should) know their children best and have some idea about what they can and cannot handle whether it be related to programs, movies, social media and current events. In a perfect world, parents can step in and guide their children as they navigate these particular waters.

But as most of us realize, children don’t always know what’s best for them. And won’t necessarily communicate their true feelings or even ask permission before delving in to something beyond their level of maturity. It’s definitely a conundrum to behold – yet the world is filled with potential triggers at every turn. I don’t see how shutting down a provocative show like 13 Reasons Why will make much difference.

#5 Scape Goating

In 1981, John Hinckley Jr. attempted to assassinate President Ronald Reagan after he left a speaking engagement at a Washington D.C. hotel. While there were no immediate fatalities, four people (President Reagan included) were left injured – one critically. White House Press Secretary at the time, James Brady was paralyzed from a bullet to the head and died in 2014 as a result of these wounds – inflicted more than 30 years before. According to Hinckley, he fell in love with actress Jodie Foster after watching the 1976 movie Taxi Driver and hoped that his criminal actions would impress this upon her. I’m going to go out on a limb and say they did not.

As scandalous as it was to have Taxi Driver and Jodie Foster mentioned as inspirations for such a serious crime, neither the movie nor the actress were held accountable for the behaviour of an obviously disturbed individual.

Unfortunately, movies and tv shows aren’t the only so-called culprits behind acts of terror and violence. Both video games as well as heavy metal music have been thrown under the bus from time to time as well. When all else fails, mass shootings, violent attacks and generally disturbing crimes will often be pinned directly to influences from popular movies, music as well as video games.

A few unhinged individuals who cite a movie or song as their reason for inflicting violence on themselves or others – should not have the power to shut down these so-called influences. Just as these violent acts cannot be so easily dissected and resolved – either can assigning the blame.

#6 Plenty of great shows out there that have no place in reality

There are plenty of amazing fictional (as well as factually based) books, movies and tv shows out there that I’d shudder to watch play out in real life. If we had to worry about any of these triggering a copycat snowball effect in society, it would probably make just as much sense to kiss any and all forms of controversial entertainment goodbye.

Movies like Elephant (2003), We Need To Talk About Kevin (2011) and Rudderless (2014) delve deep into the disturbing issue of school shootings. They are character-driven and masterful in their story-telling and will have viewers on the edge of their seats. While all three films are fictional, elements within have definitely been gleaned from reality. For whatever reason, these movies slipped below the radar of public outrage. Perhaps because they weren’t necessarily geared toward the teen and tween set; maybe because they didn’t become hugely popular.

In my humble opinion, movies like Disconnect (2012), A Girl Like Her (2015) and Before I Fall (2017) highlight similar teen-specific issues found in 13 Reasons Why. Yet they did so in a less gimmicky, more thought-provoking, artistic and subtle fashion.

I’m a movie lover – so long as it’s entertaining and gripping and/or provides some thoughtful reflection, I’m in. All the above mentioned movies did this for me. Do I want to see them play out in real life – HELL NO!

#7 Pulling the plug is a slippery slope

Pulling the plug on something just because it’s controversial, provocative and potentially offensive is probably not the best course of action if we are hoping to bring forth future generations who are capable of robust debate, tolerating alternative view points and who can agree to disagree.

Where will it stop? And who will determine what goes and what stays? See where I’m going with this? I for one, have no desire to watch bland tv. In fact, being offended from time to time is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Engaging in a heated debate or partaking in a controversial discussion has many underrated benefits. These perks include feeling passionate about something important, getting a chance to see a situation from another angle and just maybe inspiring a small yet worthwhile change somewhere along the line.

Shutting down a program you don’t like or agree with is on par with covering your ears and yelling “I can’t hear you!” when someone says something you don’t necessarily agree with. Stupid, right?

#8 Helicopter parenting at its worst

For any helicopter parents out there, prepare to rev up your propellers. But before swooping in and turning your kids’ screens off consider having a discussion with them. If watching a show like 13 Reasons Why is important to them, then hear them out. If you show them the respect they deserve and encourage them to share their thoughts and ideas with you – that will never be a bad thing. Even if your final decision is to forego all viewing privileges of 13 Reasons Why.

Keep in mind that negotiating can work in a situation like this. Watching a show does not have to be an all-or-nothing activity. In my particular case, I opted to watch the series together with my daughter. I figured this way we could discuss the episodes and she could have ample time to digest the situations at hand. That plan went out the window after episode one when I realized I could not sit through 12 more hours of this particular teen angsty drivel.

So a new plan was formulated. She watched the next nine episodes on her own and we still had several discussions about them. And when it came to the episodes preceded with a warning (episodes #10, #12 and #13), I bit the bullet and watched them with her. When I felt the situations were too graphic, I paused the episode, had her leave the room and watched it alone. (I stole this tactic from my father who used it when my brother and I watched the 1984 cinematic dud Dreamscape.) Personally, I feel my daughter is at an ideal age to discuss specific issues such as rape and suicide. But in my opinion, the depiction of these situations on the show were more explicit than I felt was appropriate for her.

My inner helicopter parent felt proud that we reached a mutually gratifying compromise that respected both our positions. Even though I have to accept the fact that there’s really nothing stopping her from watching what she’s missed when I’m not around.

#9 Give the kids some credit

 

Once upon a time, if we didn’t feed, change or hold our babies – they would die. And as much as I’d like to think that nothing much has changed since those good old days, a lot has. Our children just aren’t as dependent on us as they once were. If you don’t believe me – then watch them from afar and listen to them when they think you aren’t around – and you’ll see what I mean.

Our babies have a lot going on in their own little worlds – worlds we are no longer a part of. And that’s perfectly normal. So I’m suggesting we give them a bit of space – not the size of a football field – maybe just an arm’s length or two. Let’s allow them to come face to face with some fictitious unpleasantness and then give them a chance to digest and process it. After all, a good part of their lives will be spent dealing with harsh realities – so it’s never too early to help nudge them down the road toward developing coping skills.

The alternative will be us as parents raising a generation of individuals triggered by the drop of a hat – unable to handle their own emotional fall-out. There’s a reason why a university law professor in the U.S. was requested not to use the word “violate” during classroom discussion!

#10 Cool it on the buzz

Now we come to the forbidden fruit aspect of 13 Reasons Why. The more buzz it receives, the more a kid’s interest will be piqued. And we all know what happens when a parent openly disapproves of something, right? It will simply skyrocket in terms of attraction. Whether it be a particular friend, a style of clothing or even a measly Netflix show – the more a parent opposes, the more alluring it becomes.

That’s not to say that kids get to call the shots while parents zip their lips and cower in the background. This particular point just offers some perspective as to why so many kids may be drawn to 13 Reasons Why in the first place.

#11 Let the dialogue begin

The 13 Reasons Why storyline offers up some pretty black and white circumstances – characters are sympathetic or depraved, Hannah’s parents are distracted and clueless, the high school guidance counsellor makes some pretty grave errors in judgement. While the real world isn’t typically this cut and dried, the show does open a portal that can begin some sort of dialogue revolving around the issues it portrays.

It definitely won’t be a simple or easy conversation to have; it also won’t be a one-and-done sort of exchange either – but it’s a start. Which is why I am quite shocked that various schools aren’t jumping on this golden opportunity to begin a discussion with their students about important matters like rape, bullying, consent and suicide. While on one hand, schools are encouraging more discussion revolving around mental health and top-of-mind concerns – on the other, it seems that all discussion has to occur on their terms in a less spontaneous and more controlled way.

#12 Have a conversation

Talking to your child about hot button issues isn’t as easy as it is sometimes cracked up to be. And as much as I think 13 Reasons Why has run its course in terms of conversation with my peers – I will be the first to admit that it opens up doors for having a series of tough conversations with your kid.

Especially if they have watched the show or plan to – this is something that is directly on their level that they may be able to relate to. In some ways, the characters of Hannah Baker and Clay Jensen may seem more real to them than faceless teenagers in the news. I’m not saying it’s right – but I am saying it’s an opportunity so take it.

Even if 13 Reasons Why isn’t on the radar (yours or theirs) – have a conversation with your kid . . . just because.

#13 Four words: Flowers In The Attic

Every generation has something – a book, music, even a tv show. Something that speaks to the kids but not necessarily to the parents. In some cases it may even be controversial and divisive. For me – it was Flowers In The Attic. I was in Grade 7 and this book – the first in a series – was all the rage. Written by V.C. Andrews, these novels were darkly gothic and featured a variety of taboo (yet fascinating) topics including incest, forbidden love and child abuse.

Some may argue that the plot lines by V.C. Andrews and racy music by Elvis Presley don’t come close to the profanity and graphic images found in 13 Reasons Why. Perhaps – but it’s all relative.

As my daughter eagerly tuned in to each episode and then manically recounted the minute details to me afterward – I was taken back in time. To a time when I could not wait to find out more about Cathy and Chris Dollanganger and their verboten romance.

In the end . . .

I wasn’t all that impressed with 13 Reasons Why. I found it gimmicky and over-the-top – it was nothing special disguised as controversial and SUPER EXCITING. But my newly teenaged daughter begs to differ. I let her watch the 13 part series with certain caveats – which she respected as far as I know. That was our compromise.

In the end, do what works for you and your kids – let them watch it, don’t let them watch it, talk to them about it or don’t. Whatever you decide is fine by me. Unless it entails shutting it down in its entirety. Now that I don’t agree with.