A Real Conversation Starter

I talk to my kids all the time. At breakfast, I tell them to put their dishes in the sink and they tell me they need to grab their books upstairs. At school dismissal, they ask me if they can go to the store with their friends and I tell them what time to be home. At dinner I remind them about what is happening tomorrow and how I need them to be on their best behaviour/to babysit their little brother/to walk home from school together or whatever the case may be.

And sometimes we actually manage to have a conversation or two.

Talking to your kids in the form of discussing mundane daily activities and syncing up schedules is a necessity of family life – but it isn’t always a bona fide conversation.

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While starting a conversation with your child can be as simple as cornering your kid and saying words in their general direction – it’s maintaining said conversation that can be the challenge. Especially when today’s kids are glued to their phones and prone to two word answers.

Nevertheless – it can be done.

Before I lay out five sure-fire ways to engage your child in a hopefully in-depth and possibly informative conversation – let me preface that by saying this: if your child approaches you and initiates a conversation with you – DROP EVERYTHING AND LISTEN TO THEM.

I don’t care if you are naked and about to step in the shower or on your way out the front door to complete errand #1 of #43 or in the process of firing up Netflix. DO IT.

And once they start talking – listen to them. Don’t judge, resist the urge to interrupt, bite your admonishing tongue. Even if your heart is racing a mile a minute, even if your breathing is becoming shallow and you’re feeling light-headed, even if your blood is boiling. Continue chopping carrots like it ain’t no thing – and listen to them.

Because how you respond will determine how likely in the future they will initiate a conversation with you again.

One more worthy note – your child is NEVER too young to engage in a conversation with you. A brilliant woman by the name of Catherine M. Wallace once said:

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

#1 It’s all about perspective

So your kids aren’t biting at your lame-ass attempts at conversation. I mean, you can only ask “How was school” so many times. Take a different tack, and tell your kids an interesting story about something that happened to you. Like the time you were in kindergarten and the little boy sitting next to you pooped his pants or the time you were in Grade 5 and the same little boy pooped his pants again. Tell them about a specific age-appropriate incident that happened when you were in high school, in university, working at Taco Bell. Or tell them about what happened to you yesterday at the grocery store.

This is my secret trick to getting my kids to listen to me. As long as my personal anecdote is filled with drama, upset, mischief and/or naughtiness followed by big trouble, punishment and/or death – my children are riveted to my side for the story’s duration.

My son tells me on a regular basis: “Mom – you have such an interesting life.” I hate to break it to him – but nope – just a regular one. But the details I relate make my kids realize that interesting things are happening in the world all the time – even to them. Things that are definitely worthy of a back-and-forth discussion.

#2 Car Convos

Kids are more likely to open up while sitting next to an adult in a car. This may be due to the fact that it’s a more relaxed setting that doesn’t necessarily require direct eye contact. From a parent’s perspective – inside the family car is the ideal location to broach a difficult conversation with your kid – there are less distractions from the topic, less chance of being interrupted and best of all – there is nowhere for the kid to go – except flying out the door into traffic (press the power lock before you start the conversation!)

#3 It’s in the details

I am just as guilty as the next parent of asking: “How was school today” when really I should be asking: “Any drama at school today?” or “Anything funny happen today during recess?” or “Who did you talk to today during lunch break?” These questions tend to reap better results because they are more detailed and require a bit more thought to answer than the standard “Fine” or “Good”.

Keep this in mind for next time. Instead of asking: “What did you learn today?”, tweak it into: “I see you are learning multiplication tables. How did your teacher explain this to you?”

#4 A matter of importance

Your kids will be more likely to open up if they are discussing something that is important to them. So if your child is really into makeup, then ask them about the brands they like best, what stores they prefer to buy their products from and how they learned to use the stuff. If they are into Lego, adjust the questions accordingly and go for it.

The same goes for SpongeBob. Personally, I find this aquatic nimrod cringey at best – but for some reason, my son is a huge fan. Besides hockey, there’s not much else he’s genuinely passionate about – yet. So I ask him about the episode he just watched and he regales me with a word-for-word detailed account of it. As much as I believe the show to be annoying drivel, I do enjoy seeing his face light up and listening to his enthusiastic storytelling.

If your kid just recently watched a movie or finished reading a book – ask them about it. Or better yet – watch it and/or read it yourself and then engage in a full-out, in-depth discussion.

#5 Quality will lead to quantity

If you’re sick and tired of your kid’s one word answers as they stare into their mesmerizing phones, then do something about it. Spend some quality time with them, doing something they enjoy to do – go to the movies or head out to lunch together. By engaging in a mutual activity together, you are automatically opening up the lines of conversation between the two of you.

Our kids are always talking to us – even when they’re silent. That’s why it’s imperative we pay attention – not only to their words, but to their expressions, their body language and our own parental instincts.

Talking is good – but full-fledged conversation is always better.