Attention Obnoxious Hockey Parents: Chill Out

Hockey season is in full swing once again with kids of all ages and sizes skating their little hearts out – while many a parent sits in the stands clutching desperately onto their own pipe dream of their child making it big in the NHL. A new season means a new crop of players, a new crop of coaches and of course, a new crop of parents.

I must admit – as a reluctant hockey mom myself – I spend as little time as possible in frigid arenas and smelly change rooms. Not because I find most, if not all, organized sports a bore – but because I’m also reluctant to be labelled as the stereotypically obnoxious hockey mom. You know who she is: the one who bawls out the coaches, who shrieks relentlessly from the stands, who doles out rewards or punishment based on her kid’s on-ice performance.

That just ain’t my style.

I gotta come clean – the parents in my midst are pretty well-behaved. There was one time when I was sitting amongst a group of parents and the mother next to me was on the edge of her seat over her son’s performance on the rink below. He took a shot and missed – and this woman muttered “idiot” under her breath. Maybe she didn’t realize she said it out loud. But she did. And I heard her. I should mention – her son was eight years old.

***************************************************************************
Still not a subscriber to Pencils and Popcans? Why the heck not — it’s free!
***************************************************************************

Talk to any family heavily involved in organized sports or any sort of competitive activity – and chances are you will hear a range of sordid tales of extreme parental bad behaviour. Any sort of arena where parents are hell-bent on living some long-lost dream of their own through their clueless children – and the obnoxious stories will persist.

Recently, I had the pleasure of picking the collective brains of several individuals deeply involved in coaching children’s competitive hockey. Their invaluable insight shed more light on this topic than I ever could on my own.

So if your kid’s thinking about dipping their toe into the icy waters of competitive hockey or if they are already all-in or even if you’re just curious about the experiences and observations of a few hockey coaches – continue reading. Based on their assembled thoughts, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a “Dos and Don’ts” list for hockey parents as well. Enjoy.

Brock*

Brock has been coaching boys hockey for the past four years – and he comes by his appreciation of the sport as well as his coaching inspiration honestly. A hockey player himself since the tender age of four, his father as well as two of his brothers have all coached in the past.

“My coaching style is about building a foundation of skills and knowledge of the game through a fun and positive environment,” Brock says. “It’s always okay to make mistakes – that’s how we learn. I want these kids to be confident, to work hard, to develop a love of the game and of course to have fun.”

According to Brock, his team’s wins or losses are not priority during the hockey season. His focus is firmly grounded within the development of the young players in his charge – both individually and together as a team.

Regarding, bad parent behaviour, Brock admits that the stereotype persists for good reason.

“It seems there are always one or two on every team,” he admits. “But honestly, they are not the majority. I think it’s important for all parents to allow coaches to do their job which often means turning situations that happen on the ice into coaching moments by letting kids know it’s okay to make mistakes and discuss various options they could have made in the situation.”

In Brock’s opinion, many parents whose kids are involved in competitive hockey need to be patient and take a look at the bigger picture. Every child develops at a different pace – and their talent will find them in the right spot. He is also a big advocate for taking healthy breaks away from hockey from time to time. 

“What a lot of people don’t get is that playing other sports like baseball, soccer and lacrosse – even riding a bike – will make a person more of a well-rounded athlete than actually being on ice for 12 months straight,” says Brock.

***************************************************************************
Before involving your child in a competitive sport, ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: Is your child interested in playing? Or is it your own personal interest that is encouraging your child to become involved?
***************************************************************************

Virginia*

Virginia has been involved in some capacity with both boys and girls hockey leagues for several years. She coached a girls rep team for one season and has held volunteer positions as manager and trainer respectively over the past six years.

“In my experience, kids in hockey generally only receive coaching input from the dad volunteers in the league,” says Virginia. “I definitely bring a different presence to the bench by showing all players that moms can be coaches too. I love connecting with the players, getting to know them individually and then figuring out how to motivate them to play their best game.”

While Virginia is happy with her coaching experience, she admits that if she could change anything, it would be the parent politics.

“Coaches volunteer a lot of their own time to the teams they are coaching – not just time on ice during practices or on the bench during games or even during team talks in the dressing room before and after games,” says Virginia. “I don’t think parents realize how much time, effort and planning goes into coaching. And while most parents do respect the coaches, being bombarded by constant and for the most part unnecessary feedback and questions can be exhausting.”

When it comes to rep sports, Virginia feels there are two types of parents: the supportive parent and the unsupportive parent. The former is a parent who respects the coaches as well as the boundaries between parent and coach. They follow the league rules, encourage their kids to do the same and they don’t gripe unnecessarily.

An unsupportive parent is typically negative, doesn’t respect team rules and consistently brings their children to practices and games late which is disruptive to the team as a whole.

***************************************************************************
Do you as a parent have an honest-to-goodness understanding of the sport your child is involved in? Because interestingly enough, the parents who typically embody the obnoxious stereotype have never been involved in competitive sports at a rep level themselves.
***************************************************************************

Michael*

Michael has been involved in coaching both hockey and baseball at varying levels for nine years. In his opinion, the best two hours of a child’s day should be at the rink or on the field. He firmly believes that politics and adult emotion have no place in youth sporting events. As an advocate for John O’Sullivan’s Changing the Game Project, Michael’s coaching style aims to give the game back to the kids involved.

“I’m a firm believer in the life skills that sports represent,” says Michael. “Youth coaches should actually be life skill mentors and keep kids’ development as top priority.”

If Michael had his way, he’d ban parents from watching their children’s games altogether  – thus allowing kids to be independent a few hours a day without having a parent criticizing every move they make.

In terms of hockey parents, Michael admits that though many parents are good hockey parents, there is definite truth to the over-the-top, screaming at their kid/coach/referee/opponent sporting parents.

“As far as I’m concerned, these five words should be spoken from parent to child before and after every sporting event they are a part of: I enjoy watching you play,” says Michael. “Playing sports can help build character in kids. And this occurs through frustration and disappointment by the way – not through enablement.”

Hockey Parent Dos

• Do provide your kids with healthy breaks from the sport. Pushing extra ice-time and practices as well as spending half the summer in hockey camp is not the best way to encourage a child to become well-rounded.
• Do be positive when discussing your child, the sport, coaches, teammates and other parents.
• Do support your child’s effort and focus – NOT their production.
• Do encourage your child to participate in a variety of sports and activities that they show an interest in. Playing baseball, soccer, lacrosse as well as swimming and even riding a bike can help children improve strength, coordination and all-around athleticism.
• Do ensure your focus is on your child having fun – NOT on their performance.
• Do respect the boundary that exists between parent and coach – and do not over-step. Allow coaches to do their jobs – which often entails taking what happens on ice and turning it into positive, teachable moments.
• Do remember that coaches are both parents and volunteers – and they are donating their own valuable time to the team.

Hockey Parent Don’ts

• Don’t break team rules or guidelines – even if you don’t agree with them or think they are important. If your child is expected to wear a specific uniform for a pre-game warmup – then ensure they are dressed appropriately.
• Don’t bombard your child’s coach with complaints (My kid doesn’t get enough ice time / My kid doesn’t like their position / My kid doesn’t like the player on their line). If there is a legitimate issue, go through the proper channels and contact a parent liaison or league ombudsman.
• Don’t greet your child fresh off the ice (or even on the car ride home) with a list of his/her mistakes. Leave this sort of discussion and guidance to the coaches.
• Don’t correlate who you are as a parent or who your child is as an athlete based on what level sport they are playing.
• Don’t consistently bring your child to their practices or games late. This is extremely disruptive for players and coaches.
• Don’t be an a-hole.
  Granted, this is often easier said than done.

*Names have been changed

Follow my blog with Bloglovin