Breaking the Rules – What I’m Doing Differently Than My Own Parents

As a parent I’m breaking the rules – well a few of them anyway. The rules I’m referring to are the hard and fast statutes created and enforced by my own parents as they raised my brother and me in middle class suburbia during the mid-1970s and 80s.

For the record, my parents did an amazing job. They created a clearcut boundary for my childhood and I knew immediately when I stepped outside the lines. I also knew what to expect when that happened. But of course as seen then through my nine-year-old eyes, the parenting protocol I found myself victim to was completely arbitrary and unjust. And I just itched to break through many of these imposed regulations.

Now finally, I have my chance where my own children are concerned. And while breaking the rules is probably a bit of an exaggeration – there is definitely some bending, twisting and shifting going on. Of course, my parents deserve credit where credit is due. But that still hasn’t stopped me from making a few revisions to some of the rules I grew up with.

Here are nine guidelines I’ve opted to tweak where my own brood is concerned . . . and why.

#1 Squirm-Worthy Q&A

I remember back in the day asking my mother what the word masturbate meant. I first spied the unfamiliar term in a Judy Blume book. My mother told me I was too young to ask such a question and then promptly took the book away.

Unlike my mother, I don’t have the same level of control over the information my kids can access. If they want to know what the word masturbate means and have the wherewithal to ask me or my husband, we have the choice to answer them matter-of-factly or else silently encourage them to google the term for themselves. I’m sure you can imagine the realm of visuals that google would spew forth on this subject.

Going back in time – specifically to the masturbate-gate from my childhood – my only recourse then was to search the term up by surreptitiously flipping through our Webster’s dictionary. This was definitely a much more innocuous practice compared to googling.

And just so you can prepare yourself – the questions become much more specific and agonizingly embarrassing as the kids get older. In the past 18 months we’ve been asked: “What’s a virgin?”, “What does 69 mean?” and “What’s a pervert?”

I’m happy to report we kept a straight face, a normal as humanly possible tone and answered them all.

#2 The Cosmetic Conundrum

According to my father, wearing makeup was a gateway that would inevitably lead to full-on hooking in a darkened alley – which is why for years I lamented the fact that my friends could add a bit of colour to their lips or cheeks or eyelids and I could not.

As a young girl, I found myself obsessed with makeup – in my mind it was a game changer in terms of social status and going from wall-flower to knock-out. Probably because it was completely off-limits to me.

I have no idea where this particular hang-up of my father’s originated and it really doesn’t matter because we all have them. In my case, I never allowed either of my daughters to go to a salon to have their nails professionally done (until now – when my eldest turned 13). Why not? I really can’t answer that other than to say that seeing a young girl in a salon getting a mani/pedi gave me an icky feeling in the pit of my stomach. And yes – the irony is not lost on me here – but what can I say other than that I’m my father’s daughter.

However, in terms of makeup I don’t share my father’s strict views. In my eyes, allowing my girls to wear a bit of makeup is small potatoes and definitely not something I’m going to start World War III over (although when it comes to professional manis/pedis – I’m apparently ready for battle!) Also, I figured if I didn’t make a big deal about it, they’d try it, become bored and move along. Which so far has been right on the money.

#3 Dining Out

My parents were adamant that things like pop and popcorn at the movies and eating out more than once a month were not necessities. The reasoning behind this one must have been the money spent more than anything else considering we had plenty of junk food at home and on the weekends. Growing up in our house, we always enjoyed a seemingly endless supply of bottled pop, chips, ice cream, and sugary cereal.

Present day, our family of five eats out much more often (probably once a week) for reasons most families can probably relate to: it is a quick and easy solution when evenings are jam-packed with activities; with later working hours, eating out is an acceptable form of socializing with other families; there are so many more restaurant options than there were 30 years ago; and where eating out is concerned, money just isn’t as tight.

That said, I’ve pulled a switcheroo when it comes to the junk food available in our home. While we may eat out more often, pop and chips are saved for special occasions or the rare weekend.

#4 Marching To An Individual Beat

Misfit is such an ugly word. No one wants their kid to be one. However, at the same time, I don’t necessarily discourage being a square peg and going against the majority either. There was a time during my childhood when I felt weird, different and like I just didn’t fit in with anybody. In hindsight, I’m sure that most pre-pubescent teens struggle with a similar sort of identity crisis at one point or another. Growing up, I felt the best way to resolve this was to blend in as best I could. But it just didn’t work.

Going with the flow isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be – especially if said flow is heading in a different direction than the way you want to go. Going against the grain and rocking the boat are perfectly acceptable ways of life in my book so long as a person is prepared to face the consequences that come from either practice, remain cognizant of their environment and surroundings and consider how their actions may affect others.

One of my children struggles more than the other two with fitting in and feeling accepted. My advice is always the same: please don’t change or pretend; we love you the way you are; the friendships will come and when they do, they will be real and worth the wait.

#5 Granting Occasional Sick Days

When I was about ten, I caught pink eye and my mother sent me to school anyway. The same thing happened when I had a stomach bug, a fever, the sniffles. Whatever it was, if I remained conscious and could function – then off to school I went.

I’m nowhere near as strict with my own children. I remember how awful it felt sitting in a stuffy classroom when I felt lousy. I also remember the embarrassment of being sent to the office and waiting while a phone call was made to my home for my mother to come and collect me. I felt personal shame and disappointment when I didn’t receive the perfect attendance award at the end of the school year. And to this day whenever I have an off day or feel under the weather, I am disappointed in myself.

In our home, we place school and education in general on a pedestal. School comes first – before friends, electronics, sports, after school activities. But at the same time, I don’t have qualms about pulling my kids out temporarily for family get-aways or if they are under the weather. Staying home sick means lying in bed either sleeping or reading – so more often than not, the kids prefer being at school to being at home.

I know my parents meant well – forcing us to attend school in sickness and in health was their way of showing us how much they valued education and how important it should be to us (or else my mother didn’t want any interruption during her daily dose of DOOL). I want to impart this same value to my own children – I’m just tweaking it a bit so they don’t end up expecting too much from themselves and run themselves ragged. In the end, a healthy balance must be attained and I want my kids to recognize when a sick day is in their best interest.

#6 Demonstrating Tolerance

My parents have come a long way. As they have aged, they’ve softened some of their views and even accepted a lot of things in life they may have had a more difficult time adjusting to in their younger years. I like to think my brother and I had something to do with that.

Society is changing right before our eyes, the laws are changing, normal is a relative and fluid term and my husband and I are encouraging our kids to embrace it. In fact, when families and people in our daily lives are different than us (in terms of race, religion, sexuality, personality) it makes for an interesting and enjoyable relationship. I hate it when people say: “I have nothing in common with them.” Having nothing in common with a person is by no means an excuse not to get to know someone and enjoy their company. It’s true what they say: opposites attract!

#7 The Screen Sitch

There’s a reason my parents never laid down the law when it came to screen time – and I’m sure you can all figure out what that reason was! Growing up, we had one main television in our house and it was smack dab in the middle of the family room – which was open concept to practically every other room in the house. So let’s just say, if the tv was on, everyone knew it.

There was a tiny black and white set complete with complicated antennae in my mother’s sewing room where us kids were relegated on the odd occasion when something we JUST HAD to watch was on at the same time as something my mom or dad JUST HAD to watch. Eventually, we got a second smaller set for the front room and then in eighth grade, I saved up my babysitting and Penny Saver delivery money in order to buy one for my bedroom. But still – I don’t recall any specific rules. I think we just didn’t take advantage of the tv and all was well.

Now with tvs, computers, iPads, cell phones and the ubiquitous Netflix available on it all – it’s damn hard for parents to keep track of what their kids are watching let alone even know if and when they are watching!

Our rules are simple – the kids let us know when they want to watch or play something and we can yea or nay it. When the weather’s crappy and we’re busy – then we tend to “yea” more often then “nay”. And for God’s sake – only one device at a time! My personal pet peeve is walking into a room where a kid is looking at an iPad with the tv on.

#8 The Naked Truth

Growing up, I don’t have any clearcut recollection of being told that open nudity wasn’t allowed – but we just didn’t do it. Everyone changed within the confines of their own rooms or the locked bathroom. That’s just the way it was. Now that I have my own family, I’ve followed suit in the sense that there still hasn’t been any definitive discussion on the topic of nudity. Yet our children feel comfortable enough to bathe or shower with the door open or while their siblings brush their teeth or use the toilet; and there is no shame in making the trek from bedroom to bathroom (or vice versa) al fresco.

It’s a start toward helping my kids feel comfortable in their own skin and not to have any sense of shame when it comes to nudity. In fact, I have taken pains in trying to separate the idea of nudity from any sort of sexuality – and trust me – this is not the easiest accomplishment. We have also had plenty of discussions about privacy and respect (“Please don’t stare at your sister – it makes her uncomfortable”; “Do not laugh at your brother’s penis – that’s just rude!”) And so long as my kids feel respected, understand that they are entitled to privacy and feel comfortable in the buff, I’m not changing a thing.

#9 Candid Conversation

To me, this is a no-brainer. If I expect my teenager to come talk to me about important issues they are facing, then I better pave the way by letting my kids know I’m here for them right now. Frankly, if I don’t talk to them then chances are they’ll find someone else.

Growing up, so much was taboo and either discussed in hushed tones or not at all. I knew immediately when a topic was unacceptable as conversation based on my parents’ body language and tone of voice. But at times, it could still be a guessing game: Will this be something we can ask about? Or not?

One of the benefits of living in today’s world is that we know a lot more than we did back in the day. For instance, I can rest assured that having an in-depth discussion with my 11-year-old about why a person would contemplate suicide is not going to plant a seed in her mind to try it herself. The same goes for other so-called controversial topics such as alternative lifestyles, teen pregnancy and alcoholism.

So while I’ve been known to put a conversation on hold until a more opportune time – like when my daughter asked me in line at the grocery store how it’s possible for two men to have a baby together – I can assure you that I will always revisit the issue with age-appropriate discussion until my child is satisfied with the conversational results.

In the End . . .

It’s interesting how our personal upbringing inevitably affects our personal methods for child-rearing. As parents, we have choices – we can continue to practice what worked for our parents (even if these rules seemed egregiously unfair to us as children!); we can change or reverse other rules we see no benefit in or deem unproductive; we can put a spin on certain rules making them better suited to our personal environment, schedule, society or time period.

Looking back, I realize my parents’ child-rearing goals were probably the same as mine are now. Specifically, I want my children to be respectful and to behave themselves (especially in public!). I want them to embody good manners and to be independent. I want them to spend an equal amount of time talking and listening. And I want them to approach life with both curiosity and optimism.

As we all head toward the parenting finish line shimmering in the distance (which isn’t as far off as it appears), let’s suffice it to say that we all hope our children grow up to be slightly better versions of ourselves.