It goes without saying that it’s difficult for any parent to come to terms with the fact that their child may in fact be a bully; or at the very least, may be engaging in bullying behaviour. Bullies don’t always take the form of out-and-out ringleaders. In fact, more often than not, bullying behaviour is perpetrated by the ringleader’s by-standers – hoping to solidify popularity and support among their peers. Where any child is concerned – never underestimate the siren song of popularity. All kids want to be liked by their peers – and most will do whatever it takes to acquire this acceptance – no matter the cost.
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The tricky thing about bullies is that they can actually be perfectly sweet kids. I remember a little boy in my son’s kindergarten class – he was a polite, well-mannered, well-behaved kid in almost all respects – except when it came to one particular boy in the class. Honestly, had someone told me that this kid was capable of exhibiting such targeted and cruel behaviour, I would have heartily denied it. Except I was a regular volunteer within the classroom and I witnessed it myself. Suffice it to say that this particular incident was especially eye-opening to me.
I will admit that the “b” word is tossed around quite frequently – to the point that it is often over-used and mis-used. Kids can be mean, they may fight and argue and say unkind things to one another – but this behaviour doesn’t automatically fall under the bully umbrella.
In terms of behaviour being classified as bullying – it needs to be aggressive and repetitious. It also typically involves a power imbalance – whether real or perceived.
We’ve all heard bully horror stories, we’ve witnessed bullying, been a part of it, tried to stop it, been a victim of it ourselves. It’s everywhere. Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation surrounding it. Here are nine little known facts about bullying:
- Bullying most often occurs at school.
- Smaller and/or private schools still face the same levels of bullying on average as found in larger schools.
- In children, bullying is often worse between Grades 5 and 8. It typically tends to diminish by the time a child reaches Grade 10.
- Boys generally experience more direct forms of bullying (physical, verbal) while girls tend to face indirect forms (rumours, exclusion).
- Believing that bullies suffer from low self-esteem is an outdated myth. Oftentimes, they are actually confident, secure individuals.
- Anyone can be bullied. There is no such thing as a victim persona that will inevitably lead to a person being bullied.
- No matter what anyone says or thinks, bullying is not a normal childhood rite of passage.
- The term zero tolerance is a ridiculous one. Hearing this statement uttered by school administrators makes my blood boil. Where bullying is concerned, zero tolerance is nothing more than lip service designed to give people a false sense of security. If schools want to take bullying seriously (and they should) – then they need to do away with this meaningless blanket statement.
- Last fact – and this is the most important one of them all. It does not take much to make a difference in a bullied person’s life: Kind words, spending time together, listening; as a parent, as a peer, as a friend. Just knowing that someone sees them as a person deserving of respect can make all the difference in the world. For a bullying victim, it can mean the difference between life and death.
Signs that your child is a victim of bullying:
- They rarely bring friends home
- They are reluctant to attend school
- They are experiencing sleepless nights
- They often take alternative paths to get to school
If and when you witness your child engaging in mean or unkind or disrespectful behaviour that just isn’t nice – do everyone a favour and don’t excuse it. Don’t blame it on hunger or sleepiness; definitely don’t blame the victim for triggering your little angel or for deserving it; don’t look the other way claiming that kids need to work it out on their own; don’t smooth it over with a cliche like “boys will be boys” or “kids can be cruel”. Deal with it and have a conversation with your kid about compassion and kindness. Encourage them to be nice – even if they don’t want to be, even if it’s a challenge for them.
This is the only zero-tolerance policy that has a hope in hell of working.
It’s wonderful that you pointed out that people often have a misunderstanding about bullying. Sometimes a child may be mean, but not necessarily a bully. The key fact about being a bully is that the behavior is repetitious. That’s so important. I totally agree about “No Tolerance Policy”. This doesn’t actually work. I was an advocate for my niece and the school said they had a zero policy but did nothing but speak to the girl about hitting and kicking my niece. They put this policy out there to make parents feel better, but don’t actually enforce a true punishment to meet the crime. Unfortunately, that aids in the bullying to continue. As a teacher, I always recommend to parents to be involved and don’t give up if the school isn’t helping you. Rachel from https://www.explorekidtalk.com/
Beautifully written article on a sensitive subject, and I completely agree, bullies look like any other kid, not just Dennis the Menace.
I regularly sit my two down to talk about being kind to others, never mean, and how to react if anyone is mean to them or their friends. Luckily their school is great and teaches “virtues” weekly, but as you say, the school’s “zero tolerance” policy means nothing, both mine have experienced bullying where the school has ignored it right up until we made formal complaints. It is as you say, up to the parents.
Thank you for introducing me to your lovely blog and I look forward to reading more!
Hi Tanya,
Thank you for introducing me to your wonderful blog and your beautiful writing. This topic on bullying is one close at heart for all parents as often times their kids are either bullied or are bullies. But parents of bullies are either ignorant of the fact or look the other way. Like you said, there could be no outright signs that one’s child is a bully. As other commentors mentioned, more adults need to be aware of bullying, and how to cease bullying. Bullying occurs in the workplace too and even in families. This is a serious issue indeed.
I have a 2 year old and we have already experienced bullying at playgrounds. I really hope I can guide him properly as to what bullying is, what being bullied means, how to report and how to tell. Parents should take up responsibility in this, as most schools don’t bat an eyelash until their reputations are on the line.
I look forward to more of your posts!
Connie
http://www.sassy.mom
Bravo!
This topic needs regular attention.
Its been said that the tongue is the most dangerous weapon.
Lack of compassion changes people from fully human to mean actors. Victims of bullying need consistent guidance and support.
I look forward to more on this. You have a current point of view and a exceptional accessible way of getting the messages across to parents and others of influence.
Bravo!
B
Yes! This was another great article that definitely resonated with me. When your child is the target of bullying you would do anything to protect him. It definitely is a function of how a parent raises a child. They should be taught compassion for others and respect. Unfortunately I can think of quite a few parents at our #chool who missed that class. Parents, talk with your kids and be sure they understand that words and actions can and do hurt.
a great article…it’s message is loud and clear.Now,if only people would take heed !!!