Children Who Lie And The Parents Who Love Them

Something awful happened the other day. Something I’ve never had to deal with before – something that only happens to clueless and disconnected parents. My sweet, angelic child looked me in the eye and lied right to my stupid, trusting face. And my heart broke a little bit.

Kids lie – I know this as fact. I’ve caught my brood in a myriad of fibs since they first mastered the English language. They say they aren’t on their phone – when I know they are. They say “Coming!” with self-righteous conviction even though I’ve called them down to dinner three times already. They insist they didn’t hit their sister even though I heard the unmistakable connection of hand to face from the next room.

Here’s the situation: we told one of our children they were no longer allowed on a specific website anymore. Since our word as parents is law – we figured that was the end of it. Apparently, it isn’t and wasn’t. Child X visited the site once again and was caught red-handed by my husband. X immediately became defensive and began to justify the disobedience by explaining that they were uncertain as to how things had been left. Had, in fact, misunderstood our directive.

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Nevertheless, consequences were dispensed (X’s cellphone was confiscated). But being the naïve and gullible fools that we are, my husband and I gave this little demon the benefit of the doubt about possibly misunderstanding our previous instructions. So in crystal clear, no uncertain terms we spelled it out:  From here on in, under no circumstances whatsoever was Child X to EVER VISIT THIS SITE AGAIN. NEVER. NOT EVER. Understood? Yes? Good – done and done.

Guess what happened one week later?

A certain snitch in our household (yes – we have a liar AND a snitch) alerted me to the fact that X was once again visiting the forbidden website – this time through their father’s iPad since X’s cellphone had yet to be reinstated. The snitch was promptly dealt with – there’s no tolerating tattle-tales in this house unless it’s a life-threatening situation but more on this in a later post.

I asked Child X: “Is this true?”
X: “No.”
Me: “So you weren’t on the website then? Even after we clearly told you that you could never go on it again?”
X: “No. I wasn’t on the site.”
Me: “So your sibling is mistaken then?”
X: “Yup. Or else lying.”
Me: “You know I’m going to check the history on the iPad. It’ll show me who’s telling the truth here.”
X: “Okay. Then you’ll see. I didn’t visit the site.”
Me: “This is your last chance to come clean with me. If I check and find out you were on the website and that you are lying to me right now – there will be hell to pay.”
X: “Check. You’ll see. I wasn’t on it.”

Apparently my Larry David lie-detecting stare down had nothing on this child. I checked. And X had indeed been on the site. Again – the justifications and excuses began piling up. Again consequences were handed down: phone gone indefinitely – BAM! All access to electronics removed indefinitely – BAM BAM!

But the damage was done. My sweet little baby was nothing but a two-bit liar – and it was probably all my fault.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. It didn’t make sense – why would X lie about something that could easily be checked? And so I did what any modern parent does when faced with a major conundrum – I took to the internet to find out where I went wrong. And according to the parenting experts out there – I did go wrong in several areas:

• I took the lie personally (my poor little broken heart) which gives it undue power
• I didn’t stop to figure out the underlying reasons behind it (either a hopeful bluff or a stalling tactic to put off the inevitable)
• I didn’t clearly separate the behaviour from the child (My kid lied as opposed to My kid is a two-bit, no-good lying demon)

But I also did right by the experts in one specific area:

• I handed down immediate consequences that hit X where it hurt. Two separate sets in fact, one punishment for the bad behaviour and the second for lying about it.

Although next time I’ll be sure to shut down any attempts at discussion. When a lie is caught, parents need to act like a cop writing out a ticket – hand over the punishment and hope the lawbreaker accepts it and learns from it. Not engage in back-and-forth negotiations or listen to petty excuses.

When it comes to kids and lying – a few other eye-opening discoveries I unearthed include the following:

• Maintaining a strong parent/child connection – According to most parenting experts, this is the single most important way for parents to deter their kids from being dishonest. It makes sense. When there is a strong connection between parent and child, it is difficult for a pattern of lying to develop and take hold.
• Open communication – An approachable parent makes for a truthful child. If your kid believes there is no topic off limits for discussion, then it makes sense that they will be less inclined to lie or hide things from you. That’s not to say that you have to agree with everything your child says – just that you should make an effort not to overreact. If your child hits a nerve with a topic you find uncomfortable, it’s your responsibility to get over it and be there to listen to them and guide them, no matter what.
• Understanding consequences – It’s not enough for a lying child to understand why they are being punished – ie. I told a lie so now I can’t use the computer for one week. Kids need to understand that when anyone lies, it makes them a less trustworthy individual. It’s also a parent’s responsibility to work with their kid in finding ways for them to build trust levels back up once they are temporarily damaged.
• Build a trusted network – Ensure your child has plenty of trusted adults in their life that they can turn to if they are ever uncomfortable coming directly to you.
• Reading a child’s cues – This is especially relevant where young children are concerned and lying isn’t a deliberate and calculated misbehaviour. Complicated feelings like jealousy, grief and stress can be difficult for even adults to navigate – let alone small children. So it stands to reason that when talking to young kids about their feelings, let their facial cues and body language lead the way moreso than their actual words.
• Practice what you preach – As a parent, be extremely cognizant of your language. It’s possible to unintentionally break promises made to your kids without even realizing it. Personally, I’m a huge proponent of the phrases “We’ll see” and “Maybe”. My kids know that both these statements are code for “Most likely unless something else comes up”.
• Guilt is good – There’s nothing wrong with our kids feeling bad about their behaviour. Feeling a bit of guilt from time to time will help them understand when they’ve misbehaved and will spur them toward repairing the situation. Shame, on the other hand, is not beneficial. This deeper, more internalized feeling can cause real emotional damage.

I learned something valuable in the end – this parenting thing is not an exact science. Upsetting crises will arise and mistakes will be made. Once in a while I may find myself freaking out, taking things personally and not handling the situation in the best way possible. And once in a while, one of my sweet little babies may look directly into my eyes and tell a lie.

Sources: Huffingtonpost.com, Empowering parents.com