Cracking The Mom Code

I’m trying here – to raise good kids who grow into good adults. According to my oldest two, I’m the strictest parent they know. They spit these words at me to wound – but I truly wear them as a badge of honour. Nevertheless, no matter how hard I try: to be clear with my expectations; to be clear in my enforcement of said expectations – there’s still a mom code encrypting much of what I say. As in – even though I say one thing, everyone knows that I secretly mean another.

Perhaps it appears a tad hypocritical – but as long as the recipients have deciphered the secret meanings behind the words – then it kind of isn’t. I think we all have our own personalized code – that only the ones who truly know us and understand how we tick can even have a hope in hell of solving.

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Recently, I spent some time mulling over what constitutes my particular mom code – as well as the true meaning behind the words. And here’s what I’ve come up with:

Mom code: I’m not your maid!
Actual meaning: Apparently I am your maid . . . and I work for free.

Mom code: Don’t tattle tail.
Actual meaning: Unless I need some information on one of your siblings . . . then please squeal like a pig.

Mom code: That junk food is for the weekend.
Actual meaning: That bag of Doritos is for me . . . after you go to bed.

Mom code: Be nice.
Actual meaning: Be nice in public. Especially when we are among people who know us.

Mom code: Don’t hit each other.
Actual meaning: Hit each other all you want just not within eyesight or ear shot of me.

Mom code: One more outburst and we aren’t going out for dinner.
Actual meaning: Please behave because we have nothing in our fridge – except a half-eaten apple.

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I’m looking for your input – specifically any cool life hacks I can use in an upcoming blog post. Contact me here with your submissions. TIA.
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Mom code: Don’t swear.
Actual meaning: Don’t say the “c” word in front of grandma.

Mom code: Can I please have 15 minutes of privacy?
Actual meaning: Can I please take a sh** in relative peace?

Mom code: Don’t make me come up there.
Actual meaning: Don’t make me pause Netflix and get my butt off the couch or there will be serious hell to pay.

Mom code: You can have 15 minutes of screen time starting now.
Actual meaning: If no one bothers me or interrupts me or annoys me in any way – the iPad is yours till your eyes bug out.

Mom code: Eat your supper or there’s no dessert.
Actual meaning: Push your food to the other side of the plate and then it’s time for dessert.

Mom code: This show is inappropriate for you.
Actual meaning: You can watch this show but if you tell your teacher about it on Monday, so help you God.

Mom code: Time for bed.
Actual meaning: Time to go upstairs and whine for the next 45 minutes.

Mom code: Clean up your bedroom or there’s no allowance this week.
Actual meaning: I’ll clean up your bedroom while you scroll through your phone – and can you break a twenty?

Mom code: You know, Santa’s watching you right now.
Actual meaning: You better behave because I reached deep and this is the best I got.

Mom code: This isn’t a restaurant.
Actual meaning: That said . . . I’m willing to make you anything your heart desires, and your complaints will be payment enough.

Mom code: You motherf***ers are driving me crazy!
Actual meaning: You motherf***ers are driving me crazy . . . but I wouldn’t give you up for the world!

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