Dear Parents: Never Ever Do These 13 Things

I’m sick and tired of the lists circulating in cyberspace chock full of parenting no-nos. You know the ones to which I’m referring. They offer up helpful tidbits of advice such as: Never tell your child ‘good job” or Never force a child to eat. 

These lists are vaguely threatening in the sense that they imply that any parent who utters one of the taboo phrases or partakes in one of the illicit behaviours – have failed and their children will end up dead, in jail or in therapy.

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I’m sick and tired of these lists – but I’m still a sucker for them. There’s always a shock-inducing title that hooks me and the next thing I know I’m scrolling down hoping against all hope that something I routinely do within my parenting day-to-day hasn’t somehow made it onto the list. Alas – there’s always one. At the very least – one.

But this list here – the one you are about to read – is completely different. These truly are a compilation of honest-to-goodness, real-life parenting no-nos. They come from experience. And if followed to a tee, we as parents can ensure that WE don’t end up dead, in jail or in therapy!

13 things no parent should ever do:

#1 NEVER . . . open a bag of Doritos before the kids are actually asleep. The same goes for a bag of chips, a Snickers bar, making popcorn. Take it from a pro: give the kiddos a good 45 minutes tucked into beds with lights off. In fact, just to be safe, give each of the slumbering angels a kiss – just to be sure the coast is clear. Then hole yourself up in the basement with the contraband Doritos and your stock-piled episodes of Call the Midwife and bob’s yer uncle.

#2 NEVER . . . examine the surfaces inside your cupboards. The same goes for baseboards, ceilings, walls and fridge tops. Unless you have about four hours to kill and feel like scrubbing until your hands bleed.

#3 NEVER . . . look at your face in a magnifying mirror. Unless you have about four hours to kill and feel like plucking and bleaching until your face bleeds.

#4 NEVER . . . approach your teenager in a public setting when they aren’t expecting you. Especially if there are other (young) people around. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. Generally, if the people in the vicinity are mostly your age and older OR there are no witnesses whatsoever, it may be safe to not only approach but also actually initiate conversation. But unless you are a risk taker by nature, my advice to you is to treat your teens as you would a wild pack of coyotes: take notice and then move along.

#5 NEVER . . . kiss your partner within eyesight (or earshot) of your children. Unless you want to learn just how disgusting and abhorrent your loving relationship is from their point-of-view.

#6 NEVER . . . ask your teenage daughter for her opinion on your hair, makeup and/or clothes. Unless you want to actively test your confidence and self-esteem. Or you believe you are in desperate need of being knocked down a few pegs. In either of these cases, then please – ask away.

#7 NEVER . . . begin a reprimand with the phrase “When I was your age . . .” Your child’s imperious smirk will be a smug reminder that you have taken a dark parenting turn. One that’s difficult to come back from.

#8 NEVER . . . tag your kid in an Instagram post without getting explicit permission from them beforehand. Please click here in order to download my personal consent form. I keep a sheaf of these handy and have my children sign them. I then have them notarized, rubber-stamped and filed before ever posting anything bearing their likenesses online.

#9 NEVER . . . get down on your hands and knees in the kitchen to retrieve something you’ve dropped. The same goes for any room where your glance may happen upon the floor area beneath a couch or bed. See #2. Whatever it is, let it go. Either the dog or vacuum will eventually get it.

#10 NEVER . . . dab or floss – unless you are doing so ironically. Even then – best to err on the side of caution and avoid dabbing and flossing altogether.

#11 NEVER . . . empty out your 8-year-old son’s pants pockets before throwing them in the laundry. Especially if the pocket is a) bulging b)moving and c)smells bad. Instead, have him do it himself . . . preferably outside.

#12 NEVER . . . take a selfie with the phone angled upward from down below. Unless you are in the mood for a nasty shock.

#13 NEVER . . . take a poop when the kids are fighting. Or when they’re bored. Or when they’re awake. Scratch that – never take a poop when the kids are home.

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