Dear Parents: You’re All Annoying

I hate to be judgemental – but I can’t help it – I just AM. Everyone has specific idiosyncrasies or behaviours that just bug them, rub them the wrong way, that they prefer to steer clear of. When it comes to other parents in my midst – these are the four I do my best to avoid – of course while remaining close enough to observe and offer up my silent judgment:

#1 The Show Parents

These are the moms and dads who parent loudly – and often not very well. They correct, reprimand, compliment and/or ostensibly admonish their children so that everyone within earshot can hear how strict they are, how awesome they are, how well-behaved their children are.

These are the same people under the mistaken belief that they are the only humans on earth with adorable children – they also erroneously assume that everyone else thinks their kids are as sweet and adorable as they do.

These parenting performers are easy to spot – as you can hear them from a mile away — and you’ll notice that while they are supposedly speaking to their child they are actually looking around to see who is watching them and taking notes on the awesome way they parent.

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Show parents typically are showy in all aspects of their lives – not just where their children are concerned. They make a big to-do of any perceived slights or injustices they face, they engage in long-winded public conversations on their cellphones with great gusto. They enjoy the spotlight – with or without their children.

#2 The Play Manager

These parents are micromanagers to the nth degree. I’m not talking about run-of-the-mill helicopter parents here – who attempt to swoop in and micromanage their children’s schedules and playdates. I’m referring to parents who step in to correct or offer suggestions when their kids are playing with others. In some cases, even inserting themselves into games and play so that their kids do it their way – or as they believe – the right way.

A few years ago, during my son’s first year in organized soccer – I witnessed a father jump into the game to help his four-year-old son block potential goals from the other team.

More recently, I watched a group of kids (mine included) playing a unique, personalized game of tag. Despite the fact that I couldn’t make heads nor tails of the rules they were following for this specific game, all children involved were laughing and having a gay old time.

The mother of one of the kids playing called out to her son and told him he should just play a “normal” game of tag. Her suggestion caused a temporary halt to the game – all the kids turned to listen to this woman who struggled to explain why the game they were playing just wasn’t right. Eventually, the kids stopped listening and continued on with their creative version and this mother threw her hands up in frustration and walked away.

I figure, if the kids aren’t complaining – are in fact laughing and enjoying themselves – then nothing is wrong with the way they are playing.

#3 The Entitled

This is a case of the entitled begetting entitled – as in clueless, over-privileged parents inevitably raising sh***y entitled brats.

A particular woman I once had the displeasure of knowing made a daily habit of parking her oversized, gas-guzzling SUV smack dab in the do-not-park area of the school driveway while she picked up her kids at the end of the day.

Most other parents would park on nearby side streets or in the actual parking lot, then make the trek to the playground to collect their little brats. But not this momma. This momma was too good to respect the school’s request. Or else she just couldn’t be bothered.

This meant that school buses, unable to get past her monster car, were stuck idling until her majesty had collected her royal children and rolled on her merry way.

I witnessed school officials ask her several times to move her car. Each time, she’d smile sheepishly and play dumb or else apologize but insist she was in a hurry or running late. She would collect her kids, secure them in the car and then – and only then – would everyone else within her immediate orbit be able to continue on with their day.

Oh the humanity! Just once, I longed to see the school bus whiz by and crush her luxury vehicle into a stomped-upon pop can. It never happened. But the next best thing did. Her kids finished out the school year and none of them ever returned.

#4 The Hypocrite

This annoying parent is the type who has strict rules when it comes to others and how they deal or interact with their children – BUT the same rules don’t apply to their own little angels.

This mom or dad has no qualms uttering the awful phrase “Sharing is caring” when their kid has to wait their turn – and then says to the child who has to wait during their child’s turn “Patience is a virtue”.

Hearing the phrase “Sharing is caring” gets my back up. I find it’s generally the mantra chanted by impatient people who desperately want something. They have no issue saying the words – but have a real problem hearing it themselves.

In conclusion:
There is something much worse than having a run-in with any of these types of parents – and that’s noticing this behaviour in yourself. I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve engaged in each one of these annoying behaviours at one time or another. If you’re a parent reading this who has not – – then I think you need to take a good, hard look at the heading for #4 – it probably applies!

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