How to Connect With Three Kids (and still have time to do your hair)

So those who know me also know that I rarely take the time required to “do” my hair other than to wash it and then scrape it back into a semblance of a ponytail. Also – I must note that this messy ponytail of mine is unintentional – not to be confused with the carefully coifed messy pony tail. But that does not mean it’s not possible to connect with your kids on an individual basis and also have amazing hair.

It’s all about priorities. And with kids, spouse, home and work taking the top spots – that leaves little room for anything else. I prefer to slot in some Netflix, a dose of daily reading and a bit of dog-walking into the remainder of precious time available which means my locks tend to pay the price.

Spending meaningful, quality time with your kids is a difficult feat – as any parent will attest to. Sure – you may be together a lot while driving around to various after-school activities or sitting at a table eating or even just vegging out together in front of the tv – but does that count? And while parents of today do spend a lot more time and energy on their kids than ever before – this energy is typically spent scheduling activities and social interactions for them and then watching them play sports or practice dance.

But . . .

How much of this time and energy is actually put toward connecting with their child? I mean actually having meaningful and quality contact with one another? It definitely is not easy – especially when you throw other children, a spouse, work and various ordinary life circumstances into the mix – – but it is also definitely NOT impossible!

Once upon a time, a parent could easily bond with their child while bathing them or by reading a story together. But once kids get older, it can take actual work to re-establish this parent/child relationship that once came so effortlessly that maybe at times it was even taken for granted.

It may take some planning – even a bit of strategy here and there – but where there’s a will, there’s a way – and best of all – it’s easier than you may think. In my opinion, it’s important now more than ever for me to let my kids know I am there for them; that I am their go-to; and that I’m interested in them.

Here’s how I do it:

#1 Keep it Simple Stupid

Don’t make the mistake of believing bigger is better. You don’t have to spend a small fortune or perform any grand gestures to brainstorm ways to connect with your kid. I like to kill two birds with one stone so when I have something that has got to get done, I ask one of my kids to help me out with it. Of course this means momentarily prying them away from their technology or their friends – which is where bribery comes in handy.

So I need to walk the dog or I have to run to the grocery store – I ask one of my children to come along and I promise to make it worth their while. More often than naught, they are game. We spend a sliver of quality, one-on-one time together where we chat and catch up, I actually cross something off my to-do list and then we both enjoy a Tim Horton’s break together on the way home.

#2 Parent/Child Traditions

There are certain annual events my kids have come to expect and look forward to – despite the fact that they may seem too old for them and that it sometimes takes a lot of planning because of how busy we have become as a family. But oftentimes traditions are enjoyable – even if they seem silly and even impractical over time. Plus, whether or not you or your children realize it, they play a role in strengthening your relationship.

Planning a day at Centreville with their cousins in the summer and skating the outdoor Colonel Sam Smith trail in the winter are two specific outings my kids look forward to every year. So I make time for them.

Any family vacation we go on – whether to a city like New York or to an all-inclusive beachy resort – my eldest daughter looks forward to an early morning walk with her dad. And when I say early, I’m talking 5:30/6:00am. If my husband is exhausted, he may push the time a bit but he never disappoints her.

By making time to adhere to these personalized traditions for our kids, it tells them that we value their input and will do all in our power to set aside family time to do the things they enjoy, look forward to and request.

#3 Ask and You Shall Receive

If all else fails, ask your kid what they would like to do with you. When I do this – I always have a couple of caveats: it has to be something we can do together and it can’t cost a lot of money. So if it’s an afternoon of shopping at the mall (so long as they come armed with their own personal gift cards) or going to a movie or playing video games together or finding time to actually complete a game of monopoly, then I do it.

Here’s the tricky part: I’m often tempted to make a suggestion or tweak the idea – It’s so beautiful outside today – why don’t we save the video games for another time?

Bite your tongue. Ask them to choose . . . and mean it!

#4 A New Adventure

Trying something new together is a great way to create a more relaxed and easy vibe for a parent/child connection. It will put you both on equal footing as newbies. So take a yoga class together, enrol in hiphop dance class, learn a foreign language together or head to a craft studio and make your own coffee mugs. Talk it over with your kids, find something that works for you both and sign on up.

#5 Child Becomes Teacher

Ask your kid to teach you something that interests them but that you haven’t got a clue about. For example, there’s a lot of kid talk these days revolving around coding. Personally, I have no idea what it entails but if it’s something your kid is interested in, then ask them to school you.

This role reversal will do wonders for your kid because of the fact that you are showing interest in something important to them. It also allows them to showcase their skills and know-how – which will boost their confidence level and self-esteem not to mention the invisible bond between the two of you.

#6 Find Out What’s Cooking

Ask your kid to choose a meal or dish they want to make for supper- and then together build it from scratch. Find a recipe together, make a shopping list together, buy the ingredients together, put the meal together, then cook and eat it together. This is another great way to kill two birds with one stone.

Full disclosure: this particular method has never worked for me. Maybe it’s because I only somewhat enjoy cooking and baking; maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a control freak in the kitchen; maybe it’s because the idea of my kids holding a bag of flour and pouring it into a bowl terrifies me. Whatever the case may be, every time I cook and/or bake with my kids, my nerves end up frazzled and no one really enjoys themselves.

That said – I know many individuals who enjoy spending time in the kitchen with their kids. Hence, it has been included and sits comfortably at #6 on this list.

#7 First Rule of Book Club

Read the same book as your child. Not only does this show them that you are interested in what they are doing – but it’s the perfect way to open up a bunch of conversational topics between the two of you.

#8 Take a Trip Down Memory Lane

Think back to a long ago time in the past – to when you were a child. What did you most enjoy when you were your child’s age? Give it some thought and then test it out again in present day. One word of warning: there is the possibility that by today’s standards, the activity just won’t hold up to the test of time. Perhaps it falls short of your wonderful hazy memories or maybe it’s something your kids don’t feel the same way about. But it’s worth a try, right?

So if it’s something as simple as catching tadpoles in a jar or something more complicated like visiting a vacation spot from the past – then give it a shot.

#9 Take Advantage of Happenstance Alone Time

When one or more of my children is busy – at a sleepover or birthday party or out with friends – then I make a point of asking the remaining kid(s) to choose something fun to do – perhaps an activity that the missing child wouldn’t enjoy.

If my young son is away, then my daughter(s) and I can head out for some Thai food and a movie that’s not necessarily rated PG. If my girls are busy – then my son and I can head to LegoLand or my husband will take him to a hockey game or play some video games with him. Happenstance alone time is often the ideal starting point for some quality parent/child bonding time.

In the end:

These days, parents and children alike are no strangers to connecting – connecting to the internet, to Netflix, to friends and family via text and email – yet we often shrug aside the most important level of connection available to us both!

When it comes to our kids – we work hard to feed them, clothe them, put a roof over their heads and love them – but is that enough? Maybe once upon a time it was. But today – with kids’ intense connection to technology and social media; in a society where kids can easily and sometimes even secretly be victims to bullying; where children are under a lot of personal pressure from a variety of angles; where childhood and teen anxiety are becoming commonplace – it is NOT enough.

Now more than ever, it is our job as parents to model and acquaint our kids to face-to-face interaction along with the give-and-take of actual spoken-out-loud conversation. And it is up to us as parents to make the effort to connect to our kids.