If We’re Twinning We’re Losing

Each and every morning, my kids and I do our part to ensure a small yet vulnerable population of pupils within their school are kept safe and protected for yet another day. I make certain we don’t have peanut butter on our toast at breakfast and only pack nut-free snacks in their lunch bags. That this daily practice is mandated doesn’t matter – I respect my children’s community and have no issue with observing such a trivial sacrifice for the safety of others.

Which is why I can’t wrap my head around why the school won’t make a similar sacrifice for another vulnerable (albeit small) group within their walls. I’m talking about the kids who suffer from anxiety, who perhaps are a tad socially awkward, who maybe aren’t as easily embraced by their peers, who march to the beat of their own drum (to put it nicely), who just don’t fit in as readily as others (to put it not-so-nicely).

I’m referring, of course, to Twin Day.

Allow me to expand on the subject: my children’s school offers up a number of Spirit Days throughout the year. The idea behind these days is to stir up some excitement, a sense of community within, inspire camaraderie amongst the tiny masses. A Spirit Day by its very definition is supposed to be a positive and inclusive affair – something the students and staff look forward to and enjoy being a part of.

Crazy Hair Day – this simple yet fun theme never disappoints in creativity; Tacky Tourist Day – everyone gets a little silly with Bermuda shorts and fanny packs; Pyjama Day – super easy for even the busiest of parents; Ugly Christmas Sweater Day – pretty self-explanatory; which brings us to Twin Day. I’m assuming the objective is for kids to be able to bask in the glow of their togetherness.

I certainly hope the intention behind Twin Day is NOT to promote the exclusivity of cliques; to create a space where potential bullies have no problems surveying the playing field for vulnerable victims; for kids suffering from social anxiety and awkwardness to wear their friendlessness on their sleeve for all to see and judge.

But for a small minority of children – this is exactly what occurs.

If you are lucky enough to have a child who is well-buffered by an amazing group of like-minded friends – then maybe you have no reason to notice the little boy who has been unable to find a group of kids to twin or triplet up with. Maybe it’s easier to assume the little girl who is wandering the halls as a singleton prefers to stand strong on her own and wants no part of this particular Spirit Day. And not that her friends changed their matching outfits at the last minute without telling her.

I tell you from firsthand and secondhand experience that Twin Day for a select few individuals is a day that conjures up feelings of extreme stress, worry and dread. Maybe you just don’t realize the heartbreakingly shameful feelings that this day can evoke. And these feelings can last a lifetime – they can affect how others see you and even worse – how you see yourself. Trust me on this.

In this day of enlightenment where intense scrutiny is placed on mental wellness and anti-bullying campaigns – I am at a loss to comprehend how Twin Day is still able to exist on the school calendar.

Years ago, one of my children had a particularly upsetting experience on Twin Day. Since that point in time, here is what an upcoming Twin Day does to our family: there is dread and anxiety as the day approaches; there are some tears and some sleepless nights. It’s enough to switch any parent (even me) into helicopter mode where I’m trying to help my child find a group that will accept her; where I’m at home the whole day hoping the telephone won’t ring; where I’m awaiting the dismissal bell on the black top with a rock in my gut and my fingers crossed.

Several years ago, I voiced a complaint to the school’s principal. My goal was to convey the message that when a child prefers not to go to school because of the Spirit Day celebration, then there is definitely a problem. When a day designed to encourage kids to be kind and positive toward one another has the opposite effect for a select few, maybe it’s time for a change.

I won’t say my complaint fell on deaf ears – but rather than trash Twin Day and replace it with one of the myriad of others suggested on Pinterest – it was fine-tuned and resurrected as Twin, Triplet Or More Day. Some teachers even went so far as to suggest that any kids that couldn’t find a group to join could all agree to wear a specific colour and thus consolidate into their own catch-all group.

The educators, while I’ll assume their actions are well-intended, just don’t get it. In this case – more is not better. For those kids unable to find a twin – how magnified will their shame be when they can’t even find a larger group to accept them? And as for the catch-all colour scheme suggested by teachers? While I’m guessing their hearts were in the right place, they may as well have suggested the kids wear a target on their backs. I mean you don’t have to be telepathic to know what will happen to all those poor kids who fall through the matchy-matchy cracks and end up wearing the colour designated to the friendless losers.

Despite its polarizing effect, Twin Day continues to rally.

In fact, the more the school struggles to ensure everyone feels included during Twin Day, the harder the fall for the few kids who will still nevertheless be excluded. For every 10, 20, 30 kids that are excited by the prospect of Twin Day where they can openly flaunt their popularity and friendships, there are one, two, three kids who will be pushed to the margins of the school yard – filled with humiliation by displaying their friendlessness for all to witness.

Kids can be cruel. But so can a school that while priding itself on having a zero-tolerance for bullying (whatever that means) has no qualms in celebrating a Spirit Day where the strong can weed out the weak and pick off the lone singletons one at a time.

I understand – it’s only one day. One day in the midst of a lot of other days. But this one day that seems to me to be tailor-made for exclusion will force some kids to advertise the social challenges they face. Dealing with this sort of humiliation head-on does nothing to help these children in dealing with their challenges. In fact, it may cause irreparable damage to their self-esteem.

I don’t believe I’m asking for much. I’m requesting the same amount of compassion and respect that I display every day by sending my kids to school with nut-free meals. I’m asking for Twin Day to be shown the door – never to make a reappearance or a resurrection under a new and improved moniker.

I’m making this request on behalf of all the kids out there who struggle to fit in, who suffer from social anxiety, who are filled with uncertainty as to whether they will indeed be embraced by their fellow classmates.

I’m asking on behalf of a young girl who spent two years of her life nearly friendless, who hated going to junior high because it meant having to face her bullies, who developed a dark humour and sarcastic shell to combat the effects of those daily humiliations . . . who is now all grown up.