It’s been two Christmases without Aunt Pat – which means it’s been two Christmases without Aunt Pat’s inevitable January email aptly entitled “Merry Bitchmas”. In this email, she would vent unabashedly about all the petty annoyances that had plagued her throughout the holidays: the lineups at the mall, the overcooked turkey, the chipping of favourite flatware. She would describe the meltdowns and arguments and all of her varied complaints.
I loved those emails. They were funny and self-deprecating. And they reminded me that despite all there was to be grateful for and appreciative of, there was still room to piss and moan – thus reminding me of all there was to be grateful for and appreciative of.
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I really took those emails for granted.
This year, I opened it up to any and all. To pass along your petty grievances and minor annoyances revolving around the holiday season – to anonymously bitch about any little thing that went wrong and caused you some grief. And you all came through – loud and clear.
Thank you to all of the anonymous complainers willing to share their paltry beefs with me and of course:
Merry Bitchmas to all . . . and to all a good night.
My mother made an announcement at the dinner table – in front of everyone – about how my husband and I have been trying for baby #2 for the past three years. And that she knows that 2019 will be the year for us. And that we really need to go to church so that God can hear our pleas. I was mortified!
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While this year was pretty chill, last year my grandmother decided to change in my living room and stripped down to her underwear in front of my husband and boys. I’m still not over it! Merry Bitchmas!
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My brother’s girlfriend brought her son to our family Christmas. He was so sick that he was throwing up! And she still brought him . . . and didn’t take him home!
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My ex sent me a text after our son went to his house to open gifts. This is what it said: “He just opened his big gift from me and he said he already got it. Thanks a lot! Merry f***ing Christmas”. And that’s one of the many reasons he’s my EX!
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This year, my husband wanted to help me out so he wrapped all the gifts. The only thing was he forgot to put tags or labels on ANY of them! He knew how stressed I was so he kept this little fact from me until Christmas Eve. By then, I was just too exhausted to even think about unwrapping stuff and re-wrapping. We just told the kids on Christmas morning that Santa’s elves had made a major boo-boo and that they had to unwrap everything. Then, when it was a gift for our parents or cousins etc, we just dropped whatever it was into a gift bag (and labelled it immediately!) I’m sure we’ll laugh about this one day in the future . . . just not this particular Christmas!
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A kid two rows ahead of us at church on Christmas Eve leaned over and barfed all over the floor. I know that this happens. But instead of the family packing up and heading home, they grabbed paper towels from the bathroom and wiped him off in the aisle and then proceeded to sit back down and stay for mass. Thanks for sharing your sick with everyone around you!
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We took two weeks of vacation over the holidays. One of those weeks, we went to to this awesome beachside 
town in order to see family. In the first hour that we arrived, I took my eight-month-old son to visit with my husband’s family and all of the kids over there had hand-foot-mouth disease. So guess what happened? My son caught it and we ended up at the hospital on Christmas Eve. I ended up stuck at home for the ENTIRE time on our vacation – not being able to see any of our other friends. Both my husband and I ended up catching derivatives of the virus as well and both of us felt like shit! Worst of all, I didn’t even take one photo of my son’s first Christmas because I was so focussed on looking after him and trying to help my mom get everything organized. LAME.
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My father-in-law died in October. And even though he had been sick for a long time and everyone knew that this was coming – my mother-in-law has not been dealing with it well. At Christmas dinner in front of everyone, my step-father asked her if she’d found a boyfriend yet. I’m not sure if he was just trying to be funny or if he’s just an idiot – but it did not go over well. Merry Bitchmas!
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I was given parenting advice from my aunt’s husband. I have three children – they have one. My aunts’ house is the designated place to be for all family functions so we have no choice but to go there. Going to their house is always a stress-inducing event for me. I’m of the opinion that I provide my children with the food they need to eat to be happy and healthy. What they put into their mouths is their choice. My youngest decided that he was only going to eat bread for dinner – and didn’t want anything else. My aunt’s husband made the comment “well I wouldn’t be putting up with that”. I’m not going to get into an argument with my child on Christmas day about what he’s going to eat – that can be done at home.
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My biggest complaint this Christmas was that I found a massive water leak in my basement on Christmas Eve! Water was leaking down the wall and into the carpet. The source: the dishwasher! I hosted 17 people in my house on Christmas day – with no dishwasher! Argh! First world problem, I know – but did I say there were 17 people coming?! LOL!
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My mother-in-law was supposed to be at my house for 3pm – dinner by 4/4:30 at the latest. My husband called her at 4:15 and she said she was leaving. She showed up at 5:17. She lives 15 minutes away. She claimed she fell asleep earlier in the day. I told my husband that we weren’t waiting for her so at 5pm we started to eat with the rest of our family and friends. Oh – and my MIL only has the one son and two grandkids and always shows up one to two hours late for every function. I told my husband “no more” – I’m not taking her grand entrances anymore.
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My husband wanted roast beef for Christmas dinner – but my MIL doesn’t eat beef so I also had to serve turkey. To make my life easier, I decided to buy a cook from frozen turkey. Thankfully, I decided to cook it on Christmas Eve morning because as I was about to throw it in the oven, I realized it actually needed to be thawed for days before cooking. The package stated to “Keep Frozen” so I made a stupid assumption that could have been a disaster. I think the packaging should have been clearer. I’m sure I’m not the first person to make this mistake. Luckily, I was able to race out and find another turkey that could actually be cooked from frozen.
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My brother (who normally celebrates Christmas with my family) was a real prick this year. He accepted an invitation to dinner and then changed his mind on Christmas Eve morning. He sent me a text to tell me he was actually going to spend the day with our mother who is in long term care (and unable to travel). The decision was a sweet gesture – but his response to my concern was not. I texted and called him trying to get him to at least pop over for the meal. He avoided all my texts and phone calls causing me to worry that something was really wrong. When I finally reached him, he chewed me out for harassing him and said: “Why can’t you just let me spend Christmas the way I want?” I told him I was happy to but that I had been concerned when he hadn’t returned my calls or texts. To add salt to the wound, he was also supposed to bring my dad over to my house – which meant I had to go get him instead. Thanks for the bitch!
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I decided last minute to pick up some lettuce (I know – I’m living on the edge!) on Christmas Eve. I ran into Metro quickly and dropped my phone at the checkout and cracked the screen. That lettuce ended up costing me $220.
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My 13-year-old decided to be a vegan just before I served the beautiful turkey dinner! And said “No turkey for me please. I am vegan now!”
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My sister and her husband announced on Christmas Eve that they’ve just separated and will be filing for divorce. No one was all that surprised – but still – not the best timing for an announcement like that one!
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I went to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner. His mom was cooking for 10 people – and when we all sat down to eat and filled our plates, I noticed that his mom didn’t join us. My BF called into the kitchen and his mom said that everyone else could just go ahead. We then heard her washing the dishes and even getting out a mop and bucket to mop the kitchen floor! All while we ate a “family” Christmas dinner that she had invited us over for. The rest of us just kind of rolled our eyes across the table. My BF said this is typical of her but I found it dismissive of her guests. A bunch of us had already volunteered to clean up after dinner. I think of Christmas dinner as family time – not cleaning time.
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Against my wishes – my MIL encouraged the kids to eat raw cookie dough. Bam! My son got food poisoning and barfed all Christmas Eve and Christmas day. FML!
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My aunt was organizing Christmas dinner for 40 people so she made a spreadsheet with everyone’s names on it and what they could contribute to the meal. My cousin was told to bring enough dinner rolls for 40 people. She brought 20 dinner rolls which she proceeded to cut in half!
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We were staying at my inlaws’ with my brother-in-law, his wife and three-year-old. After a few days together, it was suggested we should all go see a movie. My FIL asked about what movies were playing at the same time as Mary Poppins Returns. I said: “Why? So we can see something else while the kids watch that one?” It’s fine – as my kids are aged 15, 12 and 9 – but the point was to spend family time together. So we decided that we’d all go see Mary Poppins. My FIL said he wouldn’t go if everyone was going – that he had other stuff to do. We ended up staying at home and taking the dogs for a walk instead.
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My mother is always very generous – especially where my kids are concerned. My husband feels like she is trying to steal our thunder with the expensive presents she always gets our kids and I’m always defending her. A few years ago, she got all of our kids iPhones – even though we had told her we wanted to hold off on that for a few years. This year, without even consulting me or my husband, she got our 17-year-old son a brand new car! My husband was furious. I didn’t bother defending her this time – as she definitely crossed a line. Merry Bitchmas!
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Where to start? Christmas is mostly awesome – but pissy in other ways for sure: the relatives that drink too much and kiss the hell out of my kids; the Yankee swap of presents that are supposed to be thoughtful or funny but end up being junk that I throw out as soon as I get home; fighting with my husband about putting up the outside lights; our dog (and/or kids) vomiting because of every cousin, aunt and grandparent slipping them “just one little treat”; not to mention the rising cost each year as we as a society, feed into the consumerism of packages – and not church.
I Love this SO much:) the holiday season is how shall we put it? stressful. Every year I keep telling my husband that we should fly away until it’s done, but we end up staying because well, family and all that:) We survived another one and everyone is still talking to each other, so there’s that! happy 2019.
INspred bog post. I really appreciated those last 2 lines.
Merry Christmas and all the best in 2019
Barbara
Like the carol’God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’let nothing you dismay….after reading this article I would imagine that some are grateful Christmas comes just once year.