I started a new tradition last year – but really it was started by Aunt Pat years ago. Every January, I could look forward to Aunt Pat’s crabby email entitled “Merry Bitchmas” where she would list out everything that went wrong over the holidays – anything that pissed her off and caused her grief.
This email was hilarious. I loved it – it reminded me of all that there is to be grateful for and all that there is for us to piss and moan about just the same.
This was the third Christmas without Aunt Pat – and of course without the email. So I reached out once again and people sent me their petty annoyances surrounding the holidays.
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I’d like to thank all my anonymous complainers – for reaching out and sharing their first world problems with the rest of us. And as always:
Merry Bitchmas to all . . . and to all a good night.
**** Natalie ****
My brother’s wife invited everyone over to their place this year for Christmas dinner. My two kids and she and my brother’s three kids were running around and having fun and she totally freaked out. She sat the kids down in the family room and reminded them that her grandmother had died last month so this holiday was not one to celebrate – but instead one to think about the people who couldn’t be there with us. I thought that was a little harsh. The kids were afraid to even laugh and have fun after that! We ate dinner and left as soon as we could. But I felt really bad for my niece and two nephews!
**** Claire ****
I bought myself a new pair of snowboard boots in the summer. When we were heading out to the ski hill the weekend before Christmas, I asked my husband if he had brought them up to the ski chalet because I couldn’t find them. Nope. He had wrapped them and put them under our Christmas tree at home. WTF!
**** Marlene ****
I hosted xmas dinner this year. Last year my father and step-mother had hosted. And while there for dinner – my then 4-year-old son spilled his mini-can of Sprite all over the kitchen floor – which I guess in my step-mother’s warped mind meant the end of the world as we know it. I know she’s a clean freak but give me a break – it happened last year – to a FOUR YEAR OLD. Anyway – when they showed up for dinner at my house – they made a “jokey” comment about how they were glad we were hosting and not them because of what a slob our son is. Then at dinner – again – another comment – “Hope Ben doesn’t spill his drink everywhere like he did at our place”. I had to bite my tongue at that point. and then as we were gathering their coats so they could leave – my step-mom had to throw in one last dig – she said she wanted to go check my kitchen to make sure my kid left it it in an okay condition. I know it’s nothing major – but I still get pissed just thinking about this.
**** Malcolm ****
When someone gives your kids something (like a solar-powered robot assembly kit) that requires 5+ hours of parental assistance, causes physical pain in your aging joints, and instills feelings of parental inadequacy for how difficult a time you have with it . . . IF it even works after you finish assembling it. The gift givers themselves somehow escape being conscripted in its assembly. Ha ha. Funny joke. Perhaps they needed to take revenge on me. Whatever it was I did to them – we are now even.
**** Jeanine ****
I was picking up my medication at the Costco pharmacy a week before Christmas. It was a mad house at the check-outs with lines of people blocking some aisles. I had to ask people to make room for me to get by. When I went to pick up some dips, a man was standing with two shopping carts blocking the entire bin I needed to get to. I asked him if he could let me get in to pick up the items. His reply was: “I can’t move.” I then asked him who the person was who had abandoned the cart in front of his cart. His answer was: “My wife’s. And where she is is anyone’s guess.” I literally had to squeeze in and push him to make room. I should have said “And Merry Christmas to you too”. I know holiday shopping can be stressful but it is no excuse for rude, disrespectful and selfish behaviour. There – I’ve said my piece . . . Bah Humbug!
**** Hannah ****
This year – we organized our Christmas plans back in September. My husband’s sister would host Christmas Eve dinner and my husband and I would do Christmas. On the morning of Christmas Eve, my sister-in-law calls my husband in tears – telling him that she’s so overwhelmed and just can’t go through with Christmas Eve – and she hopes we understand. Of course we do – she’s had a tough past year. So me, my husband and our son have a quiet Christmas Eve to ourselves which was nice. I host Christmas dinner as planned – for my sister-in-law, her boyfriend and three kids, for my in-laws, for my parents and my brother and his wife. Somehow after dinner – I discover that my sister-in-law STILL hosted Christmas Eve dinner for her parents, her boyfriend’s parents and her two sisters. She had only cancelled Christmas Eve dinner when it came to our family – me, my husband and our son. My husband was upset and caused a scene. Now there’s a bit of iciness between my husband and his sister. I’m hoping it’ll melt by next Christmas!
**** Bonnie ****
Here’s my Christmas bitch: my sister and brother-in-law. Enough said.
**** Shayna ****
I have a huge pet peeve when it comes to my family’s Kris Kringle gift exchange. Every year we do an adult and kid gift exchange with my family and my in-laws. It’s usually $20 per gift and it has to be something generic – but no gift cards and no booze. I go out to Chapters, HomeSense, Shoppers Drug Mart etc. and spend time buying thoughtful items that people would really appreciate. I usually have to buy five gifts X 2 so everyone in my family can participate with both sides of the family during our two separate dinners. Why the hell do people year after year continuously wrap up sh** they don’t want from their own house?! It is so f***ing obnoxious! Boxes of chocolates from clients at work, random BBQ sets and dollar store toiletries that no one wants to put on their body! I’m so tired of spending time and money on amazing and thoughtful gifts that everyone else fights over – and I end up getting sh**! There – you got my rant!
**** Peggy ****
We had my parents over for Christmas dinner this year. And then on Boxing Day they drove to my sister’s house 3 hours away and spent a few days there. While here – my parents gave my two kids each a pair of Christmas pyjamas and a $50 bill. They are ages 10 and 12. Fine. When talking to my sister on the phone about a week later – she happens to mention how my parents got her two kids each an iPad (ages 8 and 9). I was kind of floored but didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to cause any problems. Anyway – my mother must have gotten word from my sister that she had let the cat out of the bag – because only a couple of hours after I got off the phone with my sister – my mother called me to explain about the gifts. Her reasoning was “your sister’s kids need more to be happy. Your kids aren’t as materialistic.” I thought that was a ridiculous thing to say. But of course I just kept my mouth shut. It is true – my kids are happy with anything they get – they aren’t greedy – and I know this will help them out all through their lives. But still – I was a bit put off by the grandkid gift discrepancy. Merry Bitchmas!
**** Mindy ****
So, ever since I have owned a dining room table, I’ve been willing to host family dinners. My parents are divorced. My dad always wanted us out at his house. On my mom’s side, both she and my aunt enjoy hosting and weren’t willing to give it up. Fine by me. I always offer to bring whatever the host can use, and try to help wherever I can. This summer, we decided that I would host Christmas dinner for my mom’s side of the family on Christmas day. Fantastic. Lots of notice.
On December 1st, I ran into my step-mother, unplanned. She tells me that she thought we would have Christmas dinner at my house. I told her I was hosting family on the 25th, but they could come as well (it’s only another 4 adults + 3 kids). That didn’t work for her. I suggested Boxing Day, figuring I could just cook extra on Christmas day, and we could have the leftovers on Boxing Day. No, that date doesn’t work for her either. She tells me she’ll figure out what day works for everyone (2 retired people, 2 shift workers, 2 office workers and a mom on mat leave). A few days later, she e-mails that the date which works for everyone is December 21. So basically, I’ll be making two turkey dinners. Fine. Not the end of the world.
I sent out an e-mail on December 5th, suggesting dinner around 5:00. Crickets, no one responds. A few days later, step-mom calls me to see what I’m making for dinner. I told her I’ll be making turkey, ham, potatoes, sweet potatoes, a vegetable, you know, Christmas dinner. She offers to bring the turkey. Since her turkey is notoriously bad, I suggested she make a side dish instead. She decides she’s going to make salad. Fine. And dessert. I tell her we’ve got dessert covered. She says she’s going to bring pie. Okay. Sure.
She sends another e-mail a few days later saying she’s going to bring salad and Rice Krispie squares. Sure, why turn on your oven, right?
The day of the big event comes, we’ve got a bird in the oven, and all the burners going. She has brought salad. Well, the components of salad. Lettuce in a bag – and a few other containers with stuff to go in the salad. I take it all off her hands, as she’s trying to stuff the containers and bag of lettuce into my fridge. I grab a bowl and make the salad, along with everything else. Get it all on the table. Call everyone to eat repeatedly. When she notices I have made the salad, she chides me for forgetting to put the stuff on it. I named all of the containers I opened and put into it. She says “I think you got it”.
She also brought the Rice Krispie squares in a re-used produce bag. Like the kind you tear off at the grocery store to put your fruit in. One might argue that it was probably MORE difficult to put the rice krispies in a bag than to just serve them in whatever container she made them in.
After dinner, I offered to pack up any of the food anyone might want to take home. We had lots of leftovers, and I don’t mind sharing. She asked for the leftover salad. My dear husband put it into a bag for her to take home.
While normally, I’d conclude that they just don’t care for my cooking, everyone said it was great, and I was asked to host again next time.
**** Lillian ****
My husband grew up going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and after we were married, I joined in. It’s a beautiful tradition – yet we’ve never before brought our kids because it’s always been too late for them. This year they were excited as it was going to be the first time ever they’d attend with us. My mother-in-law texted my husband earlier on Christmas Eve to let him know that they would be running a bit late but to wait for them. They’d come to our house and then we could all go together. I suggested we just meet them there but it was important to my husband that we all go together like his mother wanted. Anyway – we were waiting around and the kids were getting worried that we would be too late. All of a sudden, my husband gets another text from his mother – they wouldn’t be attending this year after all. By this time – it was too late for us to go as well. My kids were super disappointed – and I was super pissed!
**** Helena ****
About two weeks before Christmas I was trying to buy all the stuff I would need for my baking. I went to the Bulk Barn to pick up little candy decorations for our gingerbread men. I’m a regular weekly customer there. I noticed the little bin where they usually sold candy confetti (which we use for buttons and for eyes on our gingerbread) was empty. When I went up to the cash to pay for my stuff, I said to the cashier: “The little candy confetti container is empty. Are you guys just out of it or do you not carry it anymore?” She shrugged her shoulders and said: “How am I supposed to know?” I said: “Should I call another store to see if they carry it?” Again – she just shrugged. I thought it was pretty rude – normally this cashier is very pleasant. I sensed she was stressed out so I said: “Are you having a bad day? Have customers been giving you a hard time?” She looked me right in the eye and said: “No. I just don’t appreciate being harassed about things beyond my control.” I replied: “Oh. So I’m harassing you? I thought I was just asking you for some help.” She didn’t say anything at all. I just grabbed my stuff and left.
**** Marcella ****
I offered to host Christmas this year for my husband’s side of the family. I planned on making a ham only because we were going to my parents’ place on Christmas Eve and my mother was making a turkey – and I didn’t feel like eating it two days in a row. When my mother-in-law found out I was making ham – she phoned my husband and somehow “persuaded” him to convince me to make turkey instead. My husband insisted I keep the ham in the freezer for Easter and went out and bought a turkey just like his mommy wanted. Serves me right for marrying a momma’s boy!
**** Olivia ****
We invited a bunch of my husband’s family and extended family over here for a potluck Christmas lunch. My husband’s cousin got wasted (even though it was only 1pm) and called my husband a “douche” while everyone was sitting at the dining room table – including 6 kids. I couldn’t help but laugh – not only at the awkward situation but at the look on my prim and proper mother-in-law’s face at such a distasteful term. Later that night, my husband told me he’s done hosting his extended family – which I’m completely fine with – LOL!
**** Terri ****
I know this wasn’t his fault – but I have to send it to you anyway. My 85-year-old step-father stepped into my foyer when he arrived for our Christmas celebration and swung his cane a bit too high and gouged my newly painted wall.
**** Sandy ****
My husband took paternity leave with our youngest child -and has remained home ever since (our son is now 4). While my husband does do some freelance work from home – the majority of his focus is caring for our three kids. Anyway – we went to my inlaws for dinner on Christmas and his brother-in-law would not stop bugging him (in front of everyone) about not working full time. My husband tried to laugh it off – but then his BIL said something about “manning up” and getting back to work. My husband lost it and smacked his hands down on the table. It startled everyone as all the dishes rattled. Then he left the table and went outside to cool down for a bit. Needless to say – it was a bit awkward at the table. I should say that my BIL did go after him and he did apologize. But still – it really bothered my husband and I felt bad for him.
**** Meg ****
My family always does a Secret Santa gift exchange – I got my sister this year and I bought her this set of beautiful wine glasses. When I arrived at her house for dinner, I slipped walking up her driveway and dropped the gift bag and two of the glasses got chipped!
After reading all the ‘bitcmases’,I can’t help but think people have lost the true meaning of Christmas !