Parental Guilt: 13 Caught-in-the-Act Moments

When it comes to parenthood, a healthy dose of guilt often comes along for the ride. There’s the deep, dark guilt that threatens to consume us with intense thoughts like: am I doing right by my child; making decisions in their best interest; providing them with all they deserve; spending enough time with them?

Then there’s the lighter fare – but just as guilt invoking. Honestly though – you have to laugh as these guilty feelings are brought on by our own petty behaviours, the guilty pleasures every parent craves and the undercover thoughts that can’t help but crop up.

The following article shines a light on 13 kind of funny, caught-in-the-act guilt-inducing situations that every parent will encounter – whether they admit to it or not. Let me know if I’ve missed any.

#1 Drowning in Paperwork

With three kids in elementary school, the hand-print Thanksgiving turkeys and carefully incised Valentine’s cupids start adding up fast. There’s just no way I can fathom saving every piece of paper that my little darlings have marked up with some crayon or paint and not live the life of a hoarder. So I’ve made a checklist that I follow in order to keep the homemade arts and crafts at bay:

• It has to be something they actually made – this means any pre-printed colouring sheet they’ve scribbled on goes straight into the recycle bin
• It has to show some actual effort
• Ideally, it should be something they are proud of

Based on these guidelines, some of the artwork is funnelled directly into school scrapbooks, bins full of holiday decorations or the giant rubbermaid in the basement where it will languish until I’m feeling nostalgic. Others find prominent display framed upon the wall, out on the counter or taped to the fridge. As for the rest – it ends up in the recycle bin hidden between pages of the Toronto Star and junk mail.

Up until recycle day, I guard the blue bin as if it conceals a dead body. And once the truck arrives, swallowing the art work that didn’t pass muster – it trundles away with my guilty secrets compacted deep inside.

#2 The Caillou Cliffhanger

You know you need to get out more when the kids want to turn the tv off but you’ve become so invested in a particular episode of Caillou that you convince them to watch the show to its conclusion – just so you can find out what happens when Caillou’s bra-less mother threatens him with a time-out.

In my case, it tended to be episodes of Max and Ruby. I was a sucker for that little scamp Max and the way he always managed to sum up the episode with a snappy one-liner. Yet despite the anticipation of having a final chuckle, there is no way I would be caught dead watching the show all by my lonesome. Is it even legal to have the Treehouse channel on without a person under the age of 10 in the room?!

#3 Bigger is Better

You know what I’m talking about – you’re slicing up the chocolate cake for dessert and you surreptitiously make sure that you end up with the biggest piece. After all – it was probably your blood, sweat and tears that went into baking the thing . . . or into picking it up from the grocery store. So why shouldn’t you get the bigger piece – you deserve it!

Now sweets aren’t my thing but when it comes to doling out the bread, chips or popcorn – I’m as dishonest as they come. This is where I revert to the “airplane oxygen mask” rule – first me and then kids. It’s just safer that way – at least that’s what I tell myself!

#4 Sticks and Stones

At some point in time, it will probably cross a parent’s mind that their child is being a complete and utter a**hole. Usually, when they are on the floor having a temper tantrum in the middle of Toys R Us (the kid – NOT the parent). And I’m here to tell you there’s no guilt in thinking it. Now saying it out loud and directly to your kid’s a**hole face? Well that’s a whole other ball of wax!

#5 Make it Rain

Most of the time, I enjoy watching my darlings swing a bat or kick a ball but suffice it to say that on the most hectic day of the week, I wouldn’t be opposed to a thunderstorm complete with driving rain and genuine lightning bolts. And I refuse to feel guilty about this one because with sports cancelled due to inclement weather, that means no eating on the run, driving across town or sitting on uncomfortable bleachers.

#6 Diaper Denial

My husband was definitely guilty of this one. And when the baby had a particularly nasty nappy, the effer took it a step further by sending the kid to find me. While I can definitely state with confidence that I changed the majority of our trio’s odious diapers, I can also admit that I’ve been known to play the diaper denial card on occasion as well.

Both my husband and I happen to be very competitive – some may say even stubborn. As a result, our game of diaper denial could easily get out of hand – and usually came to some sort of resolution when either the diaper started dragging on the floor or the kids approached strangers asking them to “please change my bum”.

#7 Errand Lingering

Typically when I’m running errands, I’m in a rush. Especially when heading to the grocery store – I come armed with a list, grab my items, pay and am out of there and on to the rest of my day. But once in a blue moon (usually when I’m grocery shopping all by my lonesome and it’s nearing bedtime for my brood) I’ve got all the sweet time in the world to linger over various brands of cream cheese – guilt be damned!

#8 The Kid Ate My Homework

Once you have kids, parents have a built-in “get out of jail free” card when it comes to skipping out on events, outings, get-togethers, even actual work. In order for this maneuver to be most effective, it has to be practiced with restraint. Otherwise, people will see right through your flimsy excuses of “the sitter cancelled” or “the baby’s sick”. So use it sparingly and give your guilt the boot.

#9 Hide and Seek

Everyone’s entitled to a special treat once in a while – a treat that does not have to be shared. There should be no guilt in buying something all for yourself and then hiding it behind the fancy dishes so the kids can’t sniff it out. Sometimes you’re in the mood for some cheesy dill popcorn and just don’t feel like sharing – ‘nuff said.

#10 Sleep Simulation

Otherwise known as playing a game of “sleep chicken” – this is where both parents feign sleep despite the screaming baby down the hall. Just as any new parent eventually learns to let a baby cry a bit before running to them at the first sign of discomfort – parents will also discover that patience on their part may encourage their partner to get up and see what’s going on in the nursery.

Alas, this sleep-feigning phase is short-lived. Eventually, the babies are capable of marching themselves directly into your bedroom in the dead of night, pulling up your eyelids and asking: “Are you awake?”

#11 Keep Out – This Means You

While in most instances, I am a nosy parker – for some strange reason this instinct to peek, eavesdrop and spy shuts right off when it comes to diaries and journals. Cross my heart and hope to die – an open diary can be left on an unmade bed and in all sincerity, I will not give it a second glance as I remove it to straighten the duvet. Perhaps it’s the guilt keeping me on the straight and narrow.

But I have a feeling that I am a rare anomaly in this instance. Most parents would probably pore over the entries hoping for a glimpse into their daughters’ secret lives: who they have a crush on, what sorts of drugs they’ve experimented with, how many abortions they’ve had. In reality, if girls even keep hand-written diaries anymore – parents will most likely just discover how much they loathe their siblings and are enjoying the current season of Pretty Little Liars.

#12 Feel the Hate

Remember the good old days when you went to a friend’s house and their parents had no qualms telling you off if you misbehaved? Times have changed and now many a parent has to suffer the little fools with the “grin and bear it” approach. Every kid has at least one friend who doesn’t possess the verbal combo of “thank” and “you” in their vocabulary or who have no problem telling you why your house rules suck. All you can really do is grit your teeth, stay strong and hope your kid eventually becomes as annoyed with the little d-bag as much as you have.

#13 Me Time – Any Which Way

As any parent who spends the better part of their day with their children can tell you – a bit of ‘me time’ tends to be a luxury pretty much out of reach. For a quick-fix, look no further than your very own bathroom. When my kids were little, it was the perfect hide-out as it’s the only room in the house equipped with a lock. And nowadays, the kids are at an age where they are easily embarrassed. All I have to say is that I’m heading to the toilet and not only am I given a wide berth but that is one place in the house where the kids are afraid to invade my personal space.

Don’t think of it as the room where you move your bowels so much as your very own personal clubhouse – no kids allowed. And definitely don’t let a little guilt get in the way of some perfectly deserved quality me-time . . . even if only while sitting on the john!

In the end . . .

There’s just no escaping the looming shadow of parental guilt. The good parents out there will accept this as fact – the better ones will see the humour in it.