Parenting is a Thankless Job (but it doesn’t have to be)

Maybe my expectations run too high and I’m glossing over the fleeting frivolity of youth – but somehow I don’t think so. In an age where everyone is glued to their phones; where plans are made by the tapping of fingertips as opposed to face-to-face contact; when it’s easier to text a smiley face emoji rather than actually look up and smile at a real-live person – some things are getting lost in the fray. And those somethings are courtesy, gratitude and good old-fashioned manners.

Please say it’s not just me.

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A while ago (I won’t say when), one of my children (I won’t say who) asked if I could take them and a friend to the movies. I drove out of my way (I won’t say how far) to pick up this friend, who crawled into the back seat without any sort of greeting or expression beyond a morose scowl on their face. Once at the theatre, I purchased two tickets – one for my kid and one for Morose Friend who responded to my gesture with: “I have my own money.” I handed the ticket over anyway and replied: “That’s okay – the movie’s on me today. Why don’t you use your money to buy yourself a treat at the concession stand?” Morose Friend shrugged and that was the end of our exchange.

When the movie was over, I met the kids in the lobby but rather than drop Morose Friend off at the point of origin – they asked me instead to drop them off at a different location – this one half-way across town. Which I did. The child disembarked from my car, ran inside the house – and all interaction was concluded.

Anyone else notice some glaring omissions from this sordid tale?

At first I thought – Maybe it’s just me. I’m pretty strict when it comes to manners where my three are concerned – and I’ve drilled this into them since the time they could talk. But it wasn’t just me. This dawned on me when one of my other children sitting in the car turned to me and in an incredulous voice said: “I don’t think Morose Friend said ‘thank you’ one time today.”

Nope – he/she did not. And that stuff don’t fly with me.

While definitely irritating – it’s really not my problem to rectify. Truth be told, I have my hands full keeping my own three on the straight and narrow. But as a result, I’m not in any hurry to do any future favours for this thankless child – the picking up, the driving, the treating and the dropping off.

Maybe this fall-out seems like small potatoes . . . but I’m going to tell you that it’s not. Because Morose Friend is going to have a tough time going through life if everyone they encounter – peers, teachers, employers etc. – feels disinclined to perform small favours for them.

It’s interesting how much time and energy parents spend on coaxing the magic words out of their toddlers – as they dangle a cookie in front of them, when the librarian is holding out a sticker for their grubby hand, when the cashier at the dry cleaner offers a lollipop – but suddenly stop reinforcing good manners as soon as the kids reach a certain age.

I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s not. It’s actual work – and after toiling relentlessly to ensure my kids use their manners they still sometimes behave like self-indulgent little douche-nuggets. The world seems to be getting ruder and kids (mine included) are always looking for shortcuts which makes my job even more difficult. My brood is 13, 11 and 7 respectively and I still remind each of them to mind their manners before they head to someone else’s house. And when they return, I grill them about whether they remembered to say “please” and “thank you”.

My eldest is mortified to no end by these enquiries – I’m not an idiot, Mom! My second child is straight forward and no-nonsense – Of course, Mom. My youngest is the wild card – sometimes he affirms that he did indeed remember his manners and at other times he sheepishly admits – I forgot.

Honestly, the gentle reminders and positive reinforcement I bombard my kids with when it comes to practicing and adhering to good manners seems never ending:

• Don’t forget to thank people when you zoom by them on your bike
• Always shake hands with your right
• Be sure to say “hello” and “goodbye” to the parents of the friend you are visiting
• Look someone in the eye when you are speaking to them
• Talk clearly please
• You were just asked a question – please answer

For any parents out there under the impression that their kids will one day just figure it out on their own – I hope so. But what will it take for that to happen? Maybe they will be called out on their lacking social graces and due to public embarrassment, a switch will turn on?

Or maybe not.

I have come across plenty of mannerless adults out there – bouncing along not realizing how easier and happier life would be if they demonstrated a bit more patience and courtesy.

Sadly, it seems as if good manners are heading the way of the dodo bird. But I’m putting up a fight – they won’t go extinct on my watch. Well-mannered individuals stand out – they are more likely to be noticed and remembered. People are drawn to them and are more inclined to help them out, do them a favour, give them a leg up in life.

I don’t expect my kids to thank me anytime soon for all that I do for them – for allowing them to parasitically feed off my blood for nine months, for devoting the best years of my life to them and their petty needs – that was my decision, not theirs. And frankly, they can save that for their wedding speeches – or my funeral (whichever comes first).

It is the glimmer of gratitude that I receive here and there that make my lectures all worthwhile. When they say “thank you” as I hand them an ice cream cone after supper or when they find their favourite cookies in the cupboard or when I surprise them with a night out at the movies on a school night.

What once started out as magic words that were said only because of the little treasures that would otherwise be unavailable to them eventually became words that expressed sincere appreciation of favours and treats no longer taken for granted. And this understanding is the opposite of entitlement. The magic encased in these words will continue to open doors for them – hopefully for the rest of their lives.

As for my three, I hope they grow up to be ambitious individuals who don’t hesitate to grab life by the horns – so long as they remember to say “please” and “thank you” along the way. In a world of texting, social media and ubiquitous screens, acts of kindness and good manners go a long way. They always will.

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