Parenting With OCD (Guest Post)

I had all the signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) early on, but I had no idea what I was dealing with. Since I was a kid I worried, felt guilt, was overprotective, had my quirks, over-thunk things, and held on to superstitions. Nothing too bad, I just thought I was a worrier. Once I became an adult everything got worse – from counting steps, to checking things thrice, four times – if I couldn’t shake it off – sometimes ten times. Even a hundred times – I’ve been there before. 

Now, as a parent with OCD, I see the importance more than ever, to push through my own recovery.

Before ‘A Parent With OCD’ It Was Just Me

Although there are many forms, my obsessive compulsive disorder revolves mostly around magical thinking and intrusive thoughts. This means that when a bad thought enters my mind, I am instantly convinced it will come true unless I do something about it right then and there. So I obsess over the intrusive thought and I perform compulsions to battle those intruders.

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Before becoming a parent with OCD, I was single with OCD. I was able to hide most of my compulsions or quirks from people. If death intruded on my thinking, my compulsion was to redo whatever I was doing at the specific time of the thought. For example, if while walking into a friend’s house, I had this awful thought, then in order to save their life I would need a redo. As a result, I would exit and enter again forcing my thoughts to something more positive – hopefully without my friends noticing and hopefully just once more.

Re-entering a house a second time was less likely to expose my quirk. However, If I required multiple redos, well then, things could get awkward for me and anyone else lurking about.

The sad part is that I truly understood that thinking about death while walking into a house wouldn’t doom my friend – but my OCD was able to convince me otherwise. Sometimes, I’d make an excuse to step away just to try and reason with myself.

Personally, I suffer from many triggers – not just entering a room. Things like touching a doorknob, flicking a light switch, tossing trash, reading, writing, eating – basically anything I was doing at the time of a bad thought could result in a required redo.

This could hit me anywhere and at anytime. Sometimes, to hide it from others, it was just easier to avoid everyone.

OCD Attacks Relationships

By age 25, my OCD had become crippling. I couldn’t always resist the compulsions, which made it even more difficult to hide it from others. It caused me so much anxiety that staying inside just seemed the better solution. Obsessions turned to anxiety turned to compulsion, turned to temporary relief just to cycle over again at the next thought.

Most of my time was spent hiding this disorder from others. Which normally meant I was just completely hiding myself from people I loved, cared about, and worked with. They were the ones I wanted to protect anyway, you know, with my magical thinking. But rather than protecting them, I was merely pushing people away. My OCD had such a hold on me. When you spend the majority of your day trying to avoid certain thoughts, you’re actually inviting more of those thoughts in. So most of my day would be spent inside my head. Everything became a trigger for unpleasant thoughts. This was causing severe damage to my social life – my career suffered, I suffered, and my relationships suffered.

A Husband With OCD

I met someone, an individual I didn’t want to hide from. Straight away, I was open and honest about my struggles with OCD. I didn’t want this monster keeping me from being the best husband I could be. And since we always talked about kids, I certainly didn’t want it keeping me from being the best daddy I could be.

She knew and understood my challenges, and became the support I needed to really start the recovery process.

A Parent With OCD

For me, recovery became a must. I vowed to do better – and I have. I still have my moments but it is not nearly as bad as it used to be. My wife understands that, and she helps tremendously. It certainly isn’t easy but I continue to work on it. I catch myself and often am able to  resist the mental and physical compulsions more frequently than in the past.

Instead of hiding my compulsions, I wait for them to pass and then allow reason to sink in. A fear of mine is that my OCD will rub off on my family. It pains me to even think about this happening, let alone write about it. OCD steals your present as well as your dreams for the future. It puts you on a leash – placing limits on top of limits.

I fight my OCD so my kids don’t see the limitations it places on me. This is where helping my kids build resiliency becomes difficult. As a parent with OCD, building resilience for myself has always been a challenge. For them I want better, so for them, I focus on my own recovery

Fight It Instead Of Hide It

There have been a few times where they notice something amiss and ask “Daddy, what are you doing?” I can immediately dismiss whatever redo was required because I’ve been caught in the act by my kids. They caught me doing something that if I ever saw in them, would bring me to tears. In my head I’m thinking “Daddy gave in to compulsions because he is weak.” But at the same time, I am also thinking “Daddy HAS to be stronger.”

Caught in the OCD act by my kids and my recovery focus instantly snaps back into action – reminding me that I HAVE to be stronger. My words as well as actions must be precise – they are watching me.

I recognize that my OCD is like an addiction – an addiction that can be beaten and that I can recover from.

So now when I toss a used napkin into the trash, with an intruding thought about ’Dad’, I must resist my urge to grab it and re-toss. In the past, my reaching in for the used napkin would be to “save” another dad from impending doom. But the fact of the matter is that my letting that napkin go is indeed saving a dad – my resisting OCD is saving the father of my very own children.

Brent Peters two favourite titles are: Husband and Dad. Added to that are writer, blogger, and Disney addict. His hobbies include reading, video games, and sharing laughter with friends and family. Brent has suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since he was a teen. His goal is to provide an outlet for anyone with OCD who feels like they are alone in their battle. Check out his blog at: www.ughocd.com or follow him on twitter. 

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