Once upon a time, I took my four-year-old to the mall to run some errands. When he told me he was hungry, I decided to conduct a bit of an impromptu social experiment: I handed him a twenty dollar bill and told him to buy himself some lunch.
On that day, I was a social scientist, sitting at a centrally-located table within my local shopping mall’s foodcourt – watching as my sweet baby tow-head toddled from kiosk to kiosk with money clutched tightly in his sweaty little hand.
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Because honestly, there is no parenting handbook. Raising kids is nothing more than conducting a series of experiments, with us – the mad scientist parents at the helm. The decisions we make, the choices we select, the paths we forge – these are our bubbling beakers and smoke-filled test tubes.
Like all matters of science, parenting involves relentless research, interviews and observations. And from my own experience, I’ve also learned that working out what our kids are capable of and/or ready for is often best conducted through trial and error.
Waiting for our kids to request specific freedoms is sometimes the catalyst for granting them independence – especially in terms of older children. But it’s not always this simple.
Sometimes, our kids will surprise us.
Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in a ghost-town of a food court at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday and on a whim you’ll make your four-year-old the subject of one of your most interesting social experiments to date.
As for my son, he had certainly been privy to the food-ordering process in the past – when out for dinner with the family or from time to time while running errands with me. But up until this moment in time, it was always me doing the heavy-lifting.
Here’s what happened: Just shy of being able to read, he carefully surveyed the photographic evidence of each food stall’s wares. Even though I figured he was jonesing for his go-to – chicken fingers and french fries – I sat back and enjoyed the show of him studying the Thai food display, the artisan sandwich station, the Greek booth.
How this anecdote ends has little to do with the story. Because all I really wanted was to discover whether my four-year-old was capable of deciding what he wanted for lunch, finding it, ordering it and paying for it – independently.
Whether he succeeded or floundered – my question would be answered.
Somehow or other he eventually found himself in front of the cashier at A&W. I watched as he spoke to the woman behind the counter while holding up his money. She pointed to some pictures on the menu board and he nodded enthusiastically. He pointed over at me – I waved – and their one-on-one transaction continued.
A few seconds later, he eagerly ran over to me with the change, dropped it on the table and announced that he needed to return in order to pick up his food. Minutes later, he was heading back – this time holding a wobbling tray laden with chicken fingers, french fries and a small carton of chocolate milk. I wish I had a photo of the smile on his face – so proud of his accomplishment.
In case you haven’t figured out my point – here it is in a nutshell: allowing our kids independence will always be somewhat of an experiment. It may cause us concern and worry and hand-wringing. We may not always be there to watch them and pick them right up when they stumble. We might not be within earshot to coach them and guide them along. In fact, we might have to actually nudge them out of the nest.
If your kids request some independence – consider granting it to them. And if they don’t, consider conducting a social experiment. Then sit back and observe.
Such a fun read! As a mum of 2 young independent -ish boys, I totally agree with letting them figure stuff out for themselves. I just love the reaction I get when they get something right for themselves -priceless. Parenting takes wisdom and thankfully we have our whole lives to figure it out 🙂
Ps.
Love your writing voice xxx
Great post!! And at a perfect time – my Emma is four years old, too. What a fun experiment! I can’t wait to try it the next time we go out to lunch and see what she can do on her own. And what else I could apply it to…
This is awesome! I’d be afraid that someone would call the cops with a 4 year old running around. But I LOVE that you gave him the opportunity to use independence.
Love this! I wish I had read it before my kids were 12 and 15. But I guess it’s never too late to start.
LOVE THIS! Going to try it myself on M! Thanks for sharing!
The thought of giving my kids that freedom scares me silly! This really is such a good idea though. Perhaps I will try it and see what happens haha! Thank you for your perspective!
as a parent I always felt my job was to love,teach and encourage my children through life.Learning to let go and allowing them to become independent was not easy…..
I think it is imperative that children are given a chance to figure out things for themselves. Not only did this particular lesson teach the 4 year old some problem solving skills but it taught the most important lesson of all… when in doubt don’t be afraid to ask. I’ve seen so many adults deprive themselves of things they’ve desired simply because they “didn’t want to look stupid” by asking someone for help or directions. This 4 year old asked the clerk if they served chicken fingers and the clerk directed him to the pictures. I’ve been in situations where a friend of mine would come out of a store without the item they went there to buy because they didn’t see it on the shelf. I would bring them right back in the store and find an employee and ask. Nine out of ten times the item was in the stock room but yet to be displayed. I find more and more people fear and/or avoid interaction simply because it was something they were never exposed to when growing up.