Steer Clear Of These Cringey Baby Names

It’s bad enough that most newborns resemble shaved chickens as opposed to actual little people – and we, as functional, politically-correct, respectable adults have to pretend they’re cute. And by the way, I can say this with impunity considering that two thirds of my brood were unsightly at birth. One looked like a hairless cat for about six weeks and the other one rocked the Uncle Fester vibe up until 11 months.

So here we are still reeling from the sight of this hideous, squirming creature that polite society mandates we must look in the eye while making cooing noises – we must also somehow convince the proud parents that we believe their swaddled Quasimodo is adorable. Add to all this that the baby has been saddled with an absolutely cringe-inducing name – and honestly, my strength is sapped.

Sometimes I believe I just don’t have what it takes (or the acting chops necessary) to be a courteous and decent member of society.

The following is my personal list of baby names that makes my skin crawl. Then again – what do I know? Apparently, I took to the obituaries circa 1850 in order to name all three of my kids.

The Canine Conundrum

Gone are the days when pet owners named their dogs things like Rover, Spot and Fido. Now, they have gone and infringed on human baby name territory and taken over perfectly viable names like: Molly, Baily, Max and Charlie.

Parents have enough to worry about when it comes to choosing a name for their child such as: will it be an overly popular choice (put your baby name options to the Wal-Mart test – head to their toy department on a Saturday morning and listen to the frazzled parents calling for their kids). Let alone the going concern that your baby name options will be running rampant at the local dog park!

There is really no right or wrong here. It’s a free country – and you shouldn’t have to forgo calling your little girl Daisy just because it happens to be a popular name for dogs.

That said, in my opinion there are several baby names that truly belong in the dog house such as: Bentley, Cooper, Bear, Marley, Rex and Pepper.

Too Cute for Words

Cutesy nicknames are fine when they are just that . . . nicknames. But when these precious terms of endearment start turning up etched on birth certificates as legal monikers, I can’t help but wince internally.

These poor kids named Bubba, Princess, Honey, Coco, Miggy and Bunny – will one day grow into adults who will have to either bear the weight that comes along with a childish name or else take matters into their own hands and choose a better one.

Hipster Handles

Sometimes you hear a baby’s name and just know that their father sports an ironic beard and man-bun while the mother is decked out in tattoo sleeves. Am I stereotyping? You bet. But unfortunately where there’s smoke there’s fire.

And where there’s a baby named Bessie, Atticus, Gulliver, Mildred, Juniper or Remedy – chances are, there’s a hipster couple munching on avocado toast while pushing a stroller down the street.

Look How Clever

Consider this: a baby named Abcde – pronounced “Absidee”. You think I’m kidding? There are currently over 300 people in the U.S. alone bearing this ridiculous name. I’ve got news for the parents – it’s no longer a private joke when there are hundreds of people using it.

Then there’s the name Nevaeh – as in Heaven backwards. We get it – you don’t have to explain it to us. But honestly, it loses its clever factor when there are hundreds – if not thousands of kids kicking around with this slickly encrypted name.

Occupational Therapy

There are many baby names derived from occupations that are perfectly acceptable. Names like: Mason, Taylor, Clark and Fisher. But as with anything – there’s an invisible line that one should not cross.

I once met a woman at the library whose two-year-old son was named Barber. Trust me when I tell you I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking her if her newborn infant was named Dentist.

Naming your child: Butcher, Shepherd, Butler and Knight may be taking things too far. Although I may forgive you the last one on the list – so long as your surname is Ryder.

Joke’s on Them

Speaking of the name Knight Ryder, history has proven that there are plenty of parents out there willing to turn their child’s name into a public joke.

Talk about cringe-inducing – these kids will most likely reflexively cringe anytime they say or hear their full name spoken out loud – as they prepare for the inevitable shock and laughter that will result from their punchline of a name.

Consider for a moment that there are actual individuals with the following as first and last names:

Brick Walls
Toy Ouellette
Mary Christmas

A friend once told me she knew of a kid with the first name Mallard and last name Duck. He killed himself in high school – ‘nuff said.

The X Factor

“X” names seem to be the hot new trend – and personally there are plenty that are just plain awesome such as: Dexter and Felix. Then there are the ones that come off as desperate and disturbing – names like: Braxton, Maxton and Exton (a hot new alternative for the drab and tired Easton).

Not to be outdone, there are parents who take an average “x” name and jazz it up with an extraneous “x” – think Maxx, Jaxx and Paxx. These poor kids will have any email or text they sign off on flagged as possible pornography!

Last Things First

Surname as first name is another category harbouring an invisible line. Case in point, there are surname first names that work such as: Parker, Carson, and Carter. But let’s nix anything starting with the prefix Fitz or these particular last names used as first names: Adler, Eckhart, Baldwin and Wadsworth.

Special Spelling

Then there are the parents who in a misguided attempt at being inventive, opt for irritating by spelling their kids’ names in the strangest ways possible. Don’t know what I’m talking about? These names actually exist: Crisstuffer, Zakuree, Emmalee and Xzavier. I am not creative enough to make this sh** up!

These poor kids will forever be spelling out their names – to EVERY SINGLE person they meet.

I’ll end on this note, proving once and for all, that what’s considered to be a hideous and/or beautiful name is all in the ear of the beholder. When I had my second daughter, I brought her in to my office to show her off to my co-workers. Upon hearing what her name was, one woman I worked with said: “Are you kidding me? It’s bad enough you named your first one such an ugly, old-fashioned name – now you’ve done it again!?”

I had to laugh at her honesty – because it was actually quite refreshing.