Tales From The Gym

It’s been a while since I stepped foot in a gym – nine years to be exact. And sometimes I miss it – the glorious smell of sweat delicately hanging in the air, the whir of pedals as spandex-clad women go nowhere fast and of course . . .  the drama. No matter what day of the week or time you’re there – there’s bound to be some sort of confrontation occurring – if you’re lucky it will involve yelling and/or arguing; there will be accidents and injuries; there will be hilarity; and of course – there will be some things you just can’t un-see.

I’ve been out of the loop on all the gym drama – and so I asked you to share your tales with me – and you’ve come through in spades. Especially, my friend Babs* – who eagerly provided me with real-time updates from her myriad gym visits (making me realize that she spends an equal amount of time people-watching as she does actually working out).

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Thank you to all my anonymous gym-goers – willing to share their drama for our general amusement. And to Babs – your reports are the thread of hilarity running through this post – and they are greatly appreciated!

Maggie*

I once saw a sign at my gym that said “Please do not leave used tampons in the showers”. Barf!  How sad was it that a sign for this was necessary? And this was not a low-budget gym!

Jason*

In 1997, I was working at a gym as a trainer and behind the desk. One day, I was approached by this big, scary Sons of Anarchy type biker who wanted to sign up as a member. I told him I needed to see his ID and he told me he didn’t have any. Then, he took out a huge wad of $100 bills and plopped them on the desk in front of me and said: “Here’s my ID.” I didn’t know what to do so I talked to my manager (who happened to be pretty shady himself) and his response was: “If the guy’s got money, then sign him up – ID or no ID.” So I signed the guy up. We ended up developing a quasi-friendship – me and this biker as he was in the gym all the time after that. One day he told me he planned on entering a fitness competition. He had an entry form which he gave to me and told me to fill out on his behalf. I explained that I was too busy to fill it out for him and he’d have to do it himself. He became irate – and told me he was going to jam my pen through my eye. Then he told m that the next time he came to the gym, I’d better not be there. I didn’t take him seriously – and the next day I showed up for work like usual. He was already there working out and as soon as he saw me come in the door – her ran at me with a murderous look on his face. I ran outside and he followed. There happened to be a cop in the parking lot and so I told him what was going on and he radioed for back up. Three more police cars showed up – and the officers went into the gym and escorted the guy out. You should’ve seen the look he gave me as he was walked out. Needless to say, I marched straight into the gym and quit on the spot. The police called me later on to tell me this guy had been on their radar for a while and asked me if I was willing to meet with him while wearing a wire. I refused. I was paranoid for the next few weeks – but eventually the situation faded. About three years later, I saw him with his son at a department store. I steered clear of him – but I don’t think he even noticed me. Oh yeah – I also think I figured out why he was so insistent (and angry) about me filling out the competition form for him in the first place – I don’t think he knew how to read or write.

Notes from the Babs File:

Ya – I got a gym story. Skinny 17-year-old bi*** sitting beside me has no f***ing idea how to use the bike and needs the handsome 20-year-old trainer to show her. Seriously – she’s a sack of bones. Get her ass a full fat latte on her first date with this guy. OMG – I’m staring right at them.

Elyse*

Here’s a gross gym story for you. Once as I was walking by the showers, a woman had the curtain wide open (maybe for better lighting?) and she was shaving her crotch. She had her leg up on the wall to really get in there and everything. She definitely had no qualms about letting it all hang out for everyone to see. Ugh!

Steven*

The best gym story I have is a short one. Two guys in tank tops and backwards ball caps – one guy standing nuts to butt with the other who was curling. The guy standing is shouting: “Use your biceps, bro!” I can’t imagine what other muscle you would be using for a curl?!

Notes from the Babs File:

Okay – so an old lady just walked out of the shower – all nakey with sunglasses on. Makes me giggle.

Margot*

I attend this yoga class and one day I learned the hard way how particular certain people can be about their routines. I’m a beginner so I like to be near the front of the class and I made the mistake of arriving early and setting up my mat where another woman apparently prefers to have her mat. This woman marched over to me and put her mat down on top of mine and then started shoving me. When I tried talking to her, she informed me that I was in HER spot. For a minute, I thought spots were pre-assigned and that I was in the wrong – but nope. Now sometimes when I see this woman, I pretend to make a beeline for her preferred spot – just to ruffle her feathers.

Penelope*

My teenaged daughter and I were at the gym together. She fell down and was humiliated when I laughed!

Notes from the Babs File:

OMG OMG I just saw an older lady strip naked, wrap herself in a towel, grab a newspaper and proceed to the bathroom. She’s def. taking a sh**.

Cherry*

When I was in high school, I was at the gym and I saw one of my teachers there – naked! We made full-on eye contact. Somehow, I feel like she should have been more embarrassed than she appeared to be.

Natalie*

Many moons ago, I wrote a series of anonymous blog posts for a local gym. I was their “mystery gym goer” and my purpose was to chronicle my transformation from a gym-class zero to a gym-class hero. While I wasn’t exactly a gym virgin (I had undergone a brief gym flirtation years before), I did consider myself a bit of an exercise hussy with some power walking (shoot me now), followed by jogging (shoot me again and don’t miss this time). Each week, I challenged myself to try something new. The most difficult for me? Showering at the gym. Mainly because the towel situation was a bit iffy for a woman with let’s say curves and who is maybe a teensy bit self-conscious of said curves. And having towels the approximate size of graham crackers did not help my predicament. In the end, I had to make some hard choices about which body parts to cover up and which to share with the rest of the locker room. Zumba class proved to be another major challenge for me as well – and it was here that I made the sad yet startling discovery that I cannot dance . . . AT ALL. For me, keeping up with the Zumba instructor was like a toddler attempting the high jump. A few classes in, I realized if there is such a thing as dance dyslexia, then I must have it. At least I tried my best to look the part. I bought myself a flowing Zumba shirt but steered clear of the Zumba pants. I just wasn’t sure if all those zippers moving in the wrong direction and at the wrong pace would look the best – and also – someone could lose an eye.

Jo*

There’s a woman at the gym I go to that wears really strong and WAY too much perfume. I tried talking to staff about it – but they just don’t want to get involved. I know I can’t be the only one who is sensitive to something like this. I wish they would just make a blanket announcement about how the gym should be scent-free.

Notes from the Babs File:

One piece cat suit. Enough said.

Blair*

About 14 years ago, I met Mark Wahlberg at the gym. He was shooting a movie in Toronto and I would see him there regularly a few times a week. At first, I didn’t even realize it was him. I thought he was just a slightly uglier, shorter look-alike. One day, I was sitting with a female employee in her office and he and his boys walked in. She introduced him to me as Mark. He was friendly enough and invited us to go out with them later on that night. Nothing weird happened (but I wish it did!) For whatever reason, I didn’t end up going. I didn’t want to split up his marriage – LOL.

Brenda*

I attend a really popular spin class. Usually, people are lined up outside waiting before the doors even open. I have no problem lining up but one time, a few minutes before the doors were opening, I arrived to find only a handful of people milling around outside the door. I joined the group and a woman turned to me, pointed to a few other people and said: “The back of the line is over THERE.” I was taken aback – considering there was more than enough room for all of us in the class – line or no line.

Carol*

I was in a gym class with about 15 other people on a “circuit” day. I was in a small group with two other women and we were doing sprints from wall to wall as fast as we could. Another lady and I were running next to each other and I remember thinking: “I’m not going to let her beat me.” (How f***ing ridiculous is that?!) I tripped on the floor and fell face first into the wall. The whole gym literally froze – I was so embarrassed. I work out with a paramedic – she came over and checked my eyes to make sure I didn’t suffer a concussion. The trainer got me some ice so I iced my injury for a minute and then finished my work out. I started to worry a bit when I couldn’t feel my teeth or my face so I went to my dentist who sent me immediately (the same day) to a maxillofacial surgeon. He did an x-ray and confirmed that my cheek was broken. I then had to undergo a CT scan – the results will determine whether I will require surgery to repair the damage.

Mallory*

I started working out last year. Whenever we do leg lifts I feel like we should say: “Assume fart power position!”

Notes from the Babs File:

More gym sightings: runway strips. Or landing strips. However you choose to refer to the waxed hoochie.

Terra*

I currently train once a week with a trainer who rents space at a local gym. The owner of the gym and his wife are into hardcore fitness and clearly think they are hot sh** – they strut around in tiny outfits and I guess have impressive bodies (if you are into that sort of thing.) Based on the guy’s IG account, he seems pretty obsessed with himself. One day, I was working out with my trainer when a woman (one of the gym owner’s clients) approached the gym owner and started to talk to him. Based on what I could hear, despite all her dieting and working out, she was a bit dejected and unhappy with her lack of results. Through the course of the conversation, she mentioned yoga and the owner freaked out on her. He yelled at her and called her an “idiot” for doing yoga as according to him – yoga was nothing beyond meditation – it was definitely NOT exercise. Then he stormed off. Everyone was so shocked that he would treat a client this way. I still feel bad that I didn’t say anything – I was just so caught off guard.

Calvin*

When I was 23, I was working as a trainer at a gym. This gym happened to have quite a few stunning female members. There was one in particular – she was probably 35. She was also very bo-toxed and very gorgeous. She had a reputation for being flirtatious as well as inappropriate with some of the male trainers – I had been warned about her! One day, she approached me and asked if I could give her a fitness test so I set up a meeting in the office for the next day. For the test, I had to take her blood pressure, measure her body fat etc. While I was doing this, she rested her hand on my leg. Then she started stroking my thigh and then through my K-way pants, she proceeded to grab my penis and say something extremely vulgar to me! Despite the warnings, I was caught off guard and very uncomfortable. I turned away from her and began typing on my computer – it was a really awkward moment. She eventually left the room, then the gym. And I never saw her again after that. I guess she knew she had taken things too far.

Notes from the Babs File:

Okay, I’m on the recumbent bike at the gym because it’s easy on my hip (since my injury). Anyway, it’s generally for the geriatrics but here I am sweating up a storm. I feel like I’m about to pass out it’s so stinking hot! It’s so hot, my elbows are dripping. I look to my right and Grandma is wearing a long-sleeved tee with a f***ing puffy outdoor vest and a scarf. No joke. A f***ing scarf.

Jennifer*

The spin class I attend is in high-demand and is always full. Often times, people rush in, grab a bike, put their stuff on it and then run back out to use the bathroom etc. One day, class got started and there was one empty bike – although there was a towel as well as some other personal belongings draped over it. The class was about five minutes in – and there happened to be one woman standing in the back – waiting and hoping for a bike. Finally the instructor removed the belongings on the empty bike and told the woman to take it. When the class was almost half over, a woman walks in holding shopping bags and then freaked out when she saw her reserved bike in use. She proceeded to yell at the instructor and disrupt our entire class!

*All names have been changed

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