The Age of Consent

We have an epidemic on our hands. A rampant, infectious virus of men who believe they have the authority to paw women, massage them, touch them, force their tongues between their lips, threaten their jobs, their credibility, their safety – and far worse.

Fortunately, this web of assault and harassment is slowly but surely being vomited out into the open where society can take a good hard look at it and acknowledge our part in allowing this to go on unpunished for so long. And while the list of culprits continues to grow seemingly overnight – we as parents have the ability to put an end to this here and now.

We owe it to our girls. And we owe it to our boys.

The age of consent may be 16 (in Canada anyway) but when it comes to talking about it; learning about it and developing an understanding about all the facets consent entails – there is no minimum age.

The next time your young son knowingly misbehaves; acts maliciously, meanly. The very next time he hits another person or smacks them or says something aimed to hurt another’s feelings. The next time he is rude, self-absorbed and an all-around troublemaker – do NOT say: “He doesn’t mean it” or “He’s sorry” or “He just gets crazy sometimes”. And definitely do not say: “Boys will be boys” or I’m liable to lose my sh**.

#1 Asking Before Doing

While most experts state that children can start learning the basics of consent around the 10-year age mark – I’m going to suggest laying this first stone in toddlerhood. Teach your sons to ask before they do. For example – don’t pet the dog until you ask the owner; don’t take the cookie off the plate until you ask; and don’t hug your friend until you make sure it’s okay.

Asking permission is not only a basic tenet of respectful behaviour, it’s absolutely necessary for their own safe-being. By teaching your son to ask and also respond truthfully when asked for his consent, you are empowering him.

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Unsure how to get started? Show your child this amazing one minute video on the topic of consent: teachconsent.org
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#2 Taking “No” For An Answer

When it comes to asking permission, especially where a young child is concerned, accepting the answer, whatever it may be, can prove difficult. The earlier you are able to help your son deal with an answer he is not expecting, the better equipped your son will be to deal with disappointment.

You can do this by helping him empathize with others. So he can’t pet the dog – well maybe it’s young and unpredictable or old and unpredictable or not used to being around children. He can’t hug his friend – well maybe a hand shake or fist bump will work.

The truth is – no means no – and it doesn’t matter why.

If we don’t help our sons learn this lesson early on, the word “no” may one day be viewed as a devastating blow to their ego; the word “no” may be viewed as a personal affront; “no” may cause them unrelenting anger; they may view it as a challenge or ignore it, or not even notice it – or worse – not care about it.

Ignoring “no” gets you in trouble, punched in the face, fired, arrested, shamed. As a parent, if saying “no” to your child results in his laughter and contempt, it is imperative you understand how confused he will be later in life when he inevitably realizes what is at stake by disrespecting the word “no”.

Consider this for a moment – a child who is not taught to respect the word “no” will one day be punished for his flagrant misconduct. If not by you, a loving parent – then by someone who will not give two sh**s about him. Someone who won’t care if he gets fired or ends up in jail or lives or dies.

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#3 Understanding Cues

My daughter was in kindergarten when she made the startling discovery that vocal tone doesn’t always match facial expression. This was her introduction into the confusing and often deceptive nature of human behaviour.

An adult had been speaking to her. Afterward, she said to me: “That lady’s voice was nice but her face was mean”. I could have easily shrugged it off and told her she was being silly or just ignored her observation altogether. And honestly – I wanted to. I really hated the idea that my naive little girl was figuring this harsh reality out – that she wasn’t just going to accept things at face value. So I asked her which seemed more real: the nice voice or the mean face. She thought about it before answering – the mean face.

Interpreting social cues from body language or facial expression doesn’t necessarily come easily to children – to some adults for that matter. Help them to understand by using real life incidents they are involved in as learning opportunities. Jimmy’s face looked angry when you took that toy from him. Did you notice that Maya is crying? She must be upset. The sooner our kids learn that social cues can sometimes speak just as loud if not louder than words, the better.

#4 Trusting Their Instincts

Hunches and gut instincts can be confusing concepts to kids. So it’s up to us to help them find that little voice inside, listen to it and follow its guidance when it comes to decision-making.

Learning to listen to and then trust our instincts can be a difficult and uncertain practice – even for adults. It’s important to encourage kids to always reach out to a trusted grownup if they are confused by their instincts and/or uncertain how to handle a situation. These learning opportunities are ideal segues into conversations about consent – because they will focus on experiences your child can actually relate to.

#5 Understanding All Variations Of NO

Unfortunately, in the real world, even perfectly concise questions aren’t always answered with an emphatic “yes” or clearcut “no”. While “no” definitely means “no”, the word also has many variations.

• Silence means no
• Awkward quiet means no
• Hemming and hawing? It means no
• A hesitant or half-hearted yes – still means no
• Even a “yes” can quickly become a solid, resounding, firm “no”

There’s a lot of grey area surrounding a “yes” – so it’s best to teach our sons to err on the side of caution and always assume “no” unless told otherwise. If your son is unsure about a “yes”, teach him to respond with something along the lines of “You sound unsure – so let’s forget about it for now.”

One more thing – it’s up to us to inform our sons that pressuring someone to say “yes” or to agree; manipulating them to say “yes”; threatening them in order to say “yes”; or guilting them into saying “yes” is exactly the same as receiving a “no”.

#6 Do Not Dismiss Personal Hesitations

All this learning about asking permission can quickly fly the coop the minute you dismiss your child’s own personal hesitations. If they are ambivalent about hugging Uncle Eddie, respect this. If they are uncomfortable in any situation, have an open discussion with them about their feelings.

Teaching children about hurting feelings is a tricky business as well as a multi-layered lesson. There’s a distinct difference between blurting out a rude statement that will hurt feelings: “You’re fat”; “You’re ugly”; “Your body kind of looks like a potato” and the worry of hurting someone’s feelings by speaking your mind when it comes to permission or consent. Just as children should not be afraid to ask for permission, they need to feel safe when responding. Hurt feelings and awkwardness are not valid reasons to give in when you truly don’t want to.

These lessons will take time to become habit. It is our responsibility to lay the foundation, ensure our kids are respectful and to continue the conversation over the years. You cannot sit your kid down and explain it to them in one go. Provide them with the basics and then continue to guide them along throughout their childhood and adolescence.

Kids and teens today have so much more to worry about than in the past – especially regarding their interactions with one another – sexual and otherwise. Whether they realize it or not, there is a paperless paper trail tailing their every move – ready to pounce and ruin their social lives and real lives at any given misstep on their part. Which is why learning to ask and accept the answer is so important.

Whatever you do, do not make light of your son’s misbehaviour. Do not explain it away or justify it. I don’t care if your son is just a kid or if he only got two hours of sleep last night. I don’t care if his blood sugar is low or if he’s hungry. People who utter “boys will be boys” are raising “men who will be men”. Entitled, bullying men who will end up being social pariahs, out of work, in jail or worse – perhaps even the President of the United States.