The Art of the Squeal

When it comes to a tattletale – there’s a time and a place. And what I’ve been trying to instil in my kids since they first learned to talk is the art of the perfect squeal. It begins with the reasons why. In fact, the reasons why are (in most cases) even more important than the act that is being blabbed about in the first place.

• Are they hurt?
• Are they worried about something or someone?
• Are they trying to win over a teacher or parent?
• Do they just want someone to be in trouble?

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In especially young children, tattletaling is a completely normal behaviour – it shows that a child understands the difference between right and wrong and that their moral compass is up to code. But if left unchecked, whistle-blowing can escalate to the point where they become unlikeable to their peers, siblings, teachers – even future bosses and co-workers.

Case in point – I once worked with a man who readily approached our boss with these sorts of discussion points at the ready:

• John took six smoke breaks today
• Amanda was out to lunch for two hours
• This is the third day this week that Kate was late for work

Needless to say, this man was not a popular individual at the water cooler. Even our boss steered clear of him. This is just a small glimpse of the lonely and friendless future we are setting our kids up for when we encourage the stool pigeon mentality.

How an adult on the tattle’s receiving end responds is the key in predicting whether the behaviour continues and worsens or fades and hopefully disappears altogether.

Parenting experts agree – that young children who incessantly complain about others in the form of tattletaling should be encouraged to deal with the situation on their own. In some cases, adults should even ignore the tattle altogether. When young children witness iffy behaviour in others and feel the need to report on it, the adults in charge can simply remind them that this is not their responsibility and that someone else will deal with it accordingly.

Under no circumstances should adults in charge condone or encourage the “I’m Telling” mindset – either through praise or direct actions based on the squeal. It is up to us to teach a child how to quickly assess a situation – and then decide if it’s:

a) something they can resolve on their own
b) something that won’t turn serious if they keep mum about it or
c) something that truly requires the urgent attention of a responsible adult

Of course, this can be confusing. And like most human interactions, there are many layers and nuances that will require deciphering. No one is claiming it will be a simple or clear-cut process. Yet the sooner kids can get a handle on a valid or invalid tattle, the better. The learning curve on this lesson will require trial and error along the way – and that’s where parents can step in by offering gentle reminders.

I break it down as such to my own children: if someone’s doing something that is potentially harmful and/or dangerous to themselves, to you or to others – you tell. If someone has said or done something that has left you feeling bad, confused, worried and/or uncertain – you tell. Keep in mind, having a discussion with your child about bad behaviour they’ve witnessed at school or elsewhere can be an ideal teachable moment for you as a parent. And it doesn’t necessarily have to involve snitching in any shape or form.

Teaching a child what is and is not squeal-worthy is a tricky business. I feel like I’m telling my kids: don’t be a tattletale – unless you have to be. And basically – that is exactly what I’m doing. But eventually, they’ll be able to distinguish when it’s required and when it’s not. Just as they’ve managed to figure out our bewildering policy on lying. Even though the majority of the time lying is a punishable offence under our roof, there are times it is allowed – even expected. For example, if we are at a friend’s house for dinner and my kids despise the food being served, I’d be upset if they said as much out loud.

In some families, tattletaling may fall into a parental gray area – as it can be genuinely useful for busy and exhausted parents. Yet as helpful as these extra sets of eyes and ears can be in watching over your brood – remember that it’s a parent’s duty to monitor, supervise, enforce rules and dole out consequences as warranted. When parents actively or passively encourage siblings to turn informant on one another, this can be extremely damaging in the long run. It’s also a parent’s responsibility to nurture sibling relationships between their children – not damage them.

Remember the poor kid asked by the teacher to be in charge while they left the classroom (to probably have a smoke?). This is a lose-lose almost any way you look at it – and is a completely unfair assignment to saddle on a child.

Slowly but surely, I think my three are getting it. And when they do slip up, I gently remind them: “Snitches get stitches” although in our case “stitches” translates into losing access to their device for a designated period of time. Which is truly the worst punishment imaginable.