My daughter’s birthday is in July. This year, as in the past and hopefully as in the future, family and friends arrived at our house on the holiday weekend to partake in our annual barbecue, eat cake and watch our little angel tear open the gifts she most covets – gift cards and cash.
Afterward, I handed her a pack of thank-you cards, expecting her to get to work. Instead, she stared at me aghast. Let me state for the record that this child is appreciative and grateful. She realizes her birthday happens to coincide with a major Canadian holiday and that the people surrounding her on her special day have actively chosen to be there . . . with her. This year, as in past years, she loved the gifts she received and enthusiastically thanked all in attendance.
***************************************************************************
Still not a subscriber to Pencils and Popcans? Why the heck not — it’s free!
***************************************************************************
Yet, here my angel stood, staring at me dumbfounded, poking at the cute blue cards with one finger nail. Then her tongue-lashing began: “Mom – you’re so old-fashioned! No one writes thank-you notes anymore. They’re a complete waste of time.”
I firmly placed them on her desk and in no uncertain terms told her to let me know when they were ready for the post.
Those cute, striped notecards sat on her desk gathering dust – proof of my failure as a parent every time I entered her bedroom. Each time I saw them, I gently reminded her that I was still waiting. She’d roll her eyes and continue looking at her phone. Eventually my reminders succumbed to full-on nagging. This time, I was met with her best defence – huffing and puffing as well as some painfully serious eye-rolling.
“None of my friends ever have to write thank-you notes!”
This is a triggering phrase to me. It gets my back up and my blood a-boiling. With the sound of rushing blood in my ears, I silently fielded accusations of being hopelessly old-fashioned – not to mention LAME!
I left her room and wondered if I was over-reacting. Was I looking at the forest and missing the trees? Is the task of writing thank-you notes a waste of time, money and effort? Are they unappreciated and simply tossed in the trash as my daughter insists?
I looked deep into my soul and began questioning all that I’ve ever known pertaining to the thank-you card. Was I clutching at busy-work simply because it’s something I’ve always done? Was I grasping for a simpler time – when writing thank-you notes was done with pseudo-regularity by most of polite society?
My daughter’s harsh words stabbed into my soul and I was temporarily stymied. Could she be right? Do I need to let this go? Should I choose my battles – and let this insignificant war just pass on by?
I mulled it over.
On the one hand, I may very well be old-fashioned and ridiculous in my expectations. On the other, I’m working hard to keep a tradition alive – of putting pen to paper instead of thumbs to keyboard. I’m struggling to help my kids maintain the ancient – yet perfectly relevant – communication method of writing.
On the one hand, kids are too busy to write thank-you notes and more importantly – just don’t want to. On the other, I hear enough complaints about this generation being addicted to their devices; of being unable to carry on an actual person-to-person conversation; of being unfamiliar with standard IRL behaviours (let alone knowing how to properly address an envelope!) What better way to ease a generation of ingrates into face-to-face interaction than by handing them pen and paper?
On the one hand, she did verbally state her thankfulness – isn’t that enough? On the other, saying “thank you” in person is a must, it’s a given, it’s to be expected. But a card arriving in the mail a few days, weeks, even months later – is typically not expected. It’s a stand-out way to acknowledge someone else.
On the one hand, a thank-you card is read over once before simply being tossed aside. So why bother? But on the other – a thank-you card is actually more about the person on the giving end than on the receiving end. Writing a note of thanks is in fact a reflection – of the people in your life who matter; who are important; it’s a reminder of all we have to feel lucky about and grateful for.
My husband returned from work and I filled him in on the “thank-you” situation – the notecards mildewing on our kid’s desk and her refusal to partake in what she deemed a stale and absurd tradition.
I figured he’d either:
a) agree with the kid. That I am indeed old-fashioned; that I need to get my head and heart out of the 1980s and start living in the here and now. Which would inevitably morph into our weekly conversation about how I need to stop listening exclusively to 80s pop music and buy myself a cell phone for God’s sake. Or . . .
b) he’d shrug and offer up his typical response: “Don’t know – your call.”
But not this time. This time, his response was startling as much as it was right on the money.
“Of course she’s going to write them. Our kids have gratitude. They need to show their appreciation for these people taking the time to celebrate with us and buy her gifts.”
Right on! I fist-pumped the air, marched back into my daughter’s room, picked up the cards and shoved them into her thankless face.
Just as I suspected – I’m not lame. I’m still cool AF.
I loved reading this post, Tanya!! Your internal dialogue is spot on. I would likely be going back and forth inside my mind exactly as you did had one of my daughters reacted in the same way. I love tradition and feel strongly that tradition should be passed down from generation to generation. Although thank-you note writing isn’t a regular practice these days, it is a beautiful tradition to pass down. Your daughter may not like doing it very much now. However, I’m sure there will come a time in her life when she will come to realize what a lovely gesture thank-you note writing really is. There’s something so special about the art of writing pen to paper, so I’m all for it. Old fashioned or not. It warms the heart of both the giver and receiver. Even if it ends up in the trash seconds after it’s read. Bravo to you (and your husband) for standing firm on this one! :). Love & Hugs Heidi Hourani
Oh my, this hit a nerve with me! I actually wrote something on my FB last year, as I expect my kids to write thank you cards as well. When my son graduated high school two years ago, I handed him the stack of cards (as I had handed the five kids before him). His friend was over (another new graduate), and he made fun of my son for doing it. As a matter of fact, I attended five graduation parties that year and gave each a card with money. Not one thank you card. I just don’t understand, but I’m not backing down. Someone on my Facebook told me they shouldn’t have to write them if they’re not sincere…Whatever! I don’t give a crap, someone gave a gift… write a thank you! Great blog, by the way! 😊
This is all very true and I have had the same thoughts with my own kids. They always wrote them for the big things and I slack off over the birthday presents! It is like the Mr. and Mrs. – I miss those days! I will be writing about that one day…
First off, let me thank your husband for his support. I love it when I have already committed to a route and the dad does his job and backs me up. Usually, I will discuss with him prior but not always. Tanya, I completely agree that thank you notes are not obsolete. Everyone loves snail mail! People that keep the pen & paper traditions alive are not living in the past. We are simply raised to understand that there is something special in giving something created lovingly with our own hands. We have taken the time to be considerate and not gone the route of a quick email or casual text message. Putting pen to paper means that someone has chosen just the right thank you notes, enjoyed shopping for them or creating them, had you in mind and then thought about your gift and thoughtfulness and the time you took to make their day special. My mother would say it’s a little thing called “class” 🙂
I’ve been going back and forth on this with my 4-year-old. She’s learning to read and write and also just had a birthday. This post solidified for me that Thank You cards will be going out.
Also, love your writing tone in all of your posts. So real! I’m looking forward to following you closely! 😊
I love this post! It only takes a few minutes to express your gratitude end it could make someone’s day. I bought a birthday cake for my coworker one time and to my surprise, a few days later I got a thank you note. I was touched because no one does that anymore. It was nice to know that she was so grateful and took the time to express it.
What a great post! I 100% agree with the death of the thank you note. I always write thank you notes shortly after receiving a gift and/or call the gift giver right away to thank them. It’s the proper way to do things and shouldn’t be forgotten.
Oh I am the worst with thank you cards! After my baby shower I got overwhelmed and sent heartfelt thank you Facebook messages 🙄
I will probably not be enforcing this one because every time I get one I’m like, oh that’s nice, and it goes right in the trash and then I feel kind of wasteful. Like, should I display them for a bit so it’s not just instant garbage?
I completely agree that kids should learn to express gratitude and say thanks. And if cards are your thing, you go for it. They are still nice to get. But if you ever send me something, just look for that sincere thank you email…. 😂
I am so torn on this subject! My husband’s family is all about the thank you cards and my kids also think it is ridiculous! I am never offended when I don’t get a thank you card, but I also really appreciate it when I do. Hmmm, not sure if they should stay or go!
Love this article Tanya. You are so right on this one. As a kid I was always taught to write thank-you notes. It’s definitely a great way to teach kids gratitude and I think most people are so appreciative of them. You have made me think I need to teach my two to start writing them.
I love that, you and hubby are on the same page on this. I must say I used to have my kids write thank you notes too but it phased out eventually because I didn’t encourage enough.. Now we just do personal thank you. I will admit though that it’s good to receive thank you notes and feel appreciated, knowing the recipient knows which gifts we gave. Enjoyed your post.
Bravo!!
Just last week my twitter feed included a link to an article on why a hand written thank you note is the best followup for a job interviewee.
Being ahead of teh trend makes your daughter the leader in her group..
“Yep, of course I hand write thank you notes. only those who want to look ungrateful and anti-social neglect to write them ”
Way to go!
I agree with you. Thank you notes after dinner parties seem to have gone out of fashion too but certainly not the phone call afterwards. Very much alive amongst our friends.
Love this! Our littlest are too young to do them now but when they’re old enough they’ll do it themselves 💙
I’ve been called old fashioned!so what? good etiquette is never out of fashion….and just because no one seems to be doing it doesn’t make it right!
Oh my goodness!!! I love this. Your way of writing is awesome and I connect so much with it. Not only that, I think it’s so important to keep pen to paper alive! I think I’m going to start having my boys write letters to their aunts and uncles (in addition to the thank-you notes). Thank you for sharing this.
I totally agree that this should be done! I know it is way more important to anyone over 40ish, especially the grandparent age. I don’t make my daughter write thank you notes to her friends for birthday gifts but she most certainly has to write ones to the ‘family’ – parents of her friends who went out and purchased the gift. I know the friend might think its lame but the parents won’t. If people are willing to go out of their way to get a present, card, wrap it up and attend your special day, you can certainly afford 10 minutes to write a note.
Another pet peeve – emailed wedding invitations! Save the date and/ or RSVP – is ok – but the actually invitation needs to come in the mail!
Thank you cards are such a lovely touch. WEll done you — and hubby!
Your husband sounds awesome
You are not alone!! It may take forever but its firmly in my better late than never category – and SO SO important to do.
Amen! Glad I am not the only one😉