The Friend Zone

It was meant to be a compliment. As my two youngest and I lumbered safely across the intersection, the crossing guard on duty greeted us as she has done most mornings for the past several years. She then said: “Watching you with your kids, you’d never know you were their mother.”

Had she been referring to the fact that I was just too radiant and youthful to have children of a certain age – I’d be most appreciative. But that wasn’t it. Because I asked her “What do you mean?” And she clarified: “The way you are with them and the way they are with you – you seem more like friends than mother and kids.”

I was quiet. That just didn’t sit well with me.

Now all of us Facebookers know that public perception is often a far cry from reality. And I know – the crossing guard was just engaging in a bit of harmless small talk meant to be flattering. Still – it made me think.

As a parent – there are a whole whack of roles I have to fulfil for my children for legal and moral reasons. I’m a maid, a taxi-driver, a laundress, a tailor, a chef, a personal shopper, a sounding board – the list goes on. But nowhere on this list will you find friend.

I am not my child’s friend – nor do I want to be.

I am their mother.

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When a child enters their teen years is when many parents unintentionally fall into the friend trap. This is when our rules and imposed boundaries can suddenly threaten our likability. Not to mention that friendship as opposed to parenting can be the easier route to take. For one, it will most likely result in less conflict and for exhausted parents who feel guilt, who work long hours and don’t want to spend the little time they have with their kids arguing or laying down the law, it may feel like the better option.

But whether it is or isn’t – only time will tell.

Carrie Arruda is mother to three: two sons (aged 16 and 12) and a daughter (14). According to Carrie, the trick to steering clear of the friend zone while maintaining a strong relationship with her children is all about remaining calm.

“It’s not always easy but I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever issues are important to them – concerns about friendships or romance or school,” says Carrie. “Yet at the same time it can be a slippery slope, because they need to understand that I’m their parent which means there are expectations as well as boundaries.”

So while she does want her kids to feel they can come to her and she won’t freak out – she also wants them to know she’s not their best friend. This means she may not always approve of or allow everything they want. She may even be disappointed or angry at times.

“I think the best approach is for parents to stick to their personal beliefs, standards and expectations but to remain calm,” says Carrie. “If we lose our calm, that door of communication may close down for a long time.”

Friendships are an essential part of living a full and happy life. And as parents, it is our job (just another of our many roles) to help encourage and nurture friendships in our children’s lives. It is up to us to teach them how to be good friends to others while also instructing them on how to surround themselves with supportive people.

Our children will hopefully have plenty of friendships throughout their lives – but only a couple of parents if they are lucky.

Healthy friendships require a balance of give and take as well as an equality that cannot be found in the parent/child dynamic. Parenting is a thick-skinned one-way street. There is a sense of power and control that must be maintained – by the parent. And we of course have specific obligations we must fulfil to our kids – we are required to feed and clothe them, provide them with a home as well as loving guidance. But in no way do our children owe us the same.

Patti Lauzon is mother to McKenna (19) and Maya (15) and it took becoming a mother herself to appreciate the distinct line her own parents drew between being a parent and being a friend.

“When my girls were little, there was such competition among parents – as to whose kid would walk first, be potty-trained first or speak their first words,” says Patti. “Now it seems the competition has changed to who can be the chillest parent.”

As far as Patti is concerned, it’s difficult, if not downright impossible, to be both friend and parent to a child. And that is due to the fact that a parent’s role is to help guide and shape their children’s lives; help them figure out who they are and how they fit in the world. All of this guidance would be impossible via friendship. If a friend attempted to take on this role, it would seem creepy and over-stepping – possibly even resulting in resentment.

Some parents make the mistake of thinking the cooler they are, the more control they will have over their children. And that in the end, their children will respect them more and include them in all aspects of their lives. But remember that one kid at school – who was always desperately trying to be part of the in-crowd? The one who tried way too hard, who the other kids smirked about? The same can be said about the parent desperately seeking their child’s approval.

“Unfortunately, I think a lot of other parents out there make it really hard for the rest of us,” says Patti. “When it comes to things like belly button piercings, underage drinking, unlimited access to money or absence of curfews – I understand that many parents don’t think these things are a big deal. And this is fine – to each their own.

“At the same time, I don’t think I’m doing my kids any favours pretending these behaviours are okay or not a big deal just because I did them when I was their age. That just isn’t enough justification to me. Frankly, I remember feeling pretty awful about some of my teen choices and experiences.”

Me talking: Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a friendly relationship with your children. It’s only natural that parents and children will share a few common interests. I can honestly say that I enjoy my children’s company (except when they are being total a**holes) and for the most part we have fun together. But we don’t share a true friendship – because friendship is based on equality – and we are not even close to being equals.

Says Patti: “I hope my girls feel loved and secure at home. I want them to know they can always call me for a ride home; they can bring me their failed tests without fear of punishment; then can even talk to me about the taste of their first cigarette. Just don’t expect me to respond with a high five or retweet. If they are looking for that type of feedback, it needs to come from their peers.

“It’s definitely easier to be your child’s friend because being a friend means you never really have to make the tough decisions, be the voice of reason or hear your kids say unkind things about you,” says Patti. “In two words – it’s hard. And not always fun. But I’m okay with that.”

Once upon a time, they were toddlers coming to terms with independence – nothing much has changed except for their age. Now they are teens testing the boundaries and looking for reasons to rebel. Just as we did when they were babies – we need to stand firm while remaining gentle; be strong yet loving. We have to remind them that though they may be the stars, we still run the show.

Many moons ago, when my daughter was close to three, I had the gall to say THE WORST word in the history of a toddler’s universe to her: “NO.” And she did not take it well. First there was whining. Then she upped the ante to tears. And eventually it turned into a full-fledged tantrum. I pretended she didn’t exist which while infuriating her also made her bring out the big guns. She collected herself, picked herself up off the floor, folded her chubby arms and uttered the most cutting and hurtful statement a three-year-old could think of: “You’re not my friend no more!”

I had news for her – I never was.