A bird’s eye view of the school playground will reveal what has been occurring since time immemorial – some laughter and friendly banter as well as huddled cliques, confrontation and even bullies trolling the perimeters. Though this time I’m not talking about the kids at recess – it’s the moms at dismissal.
Remember the good old days when it was just the stay-at-home moms who judged the working moms and vice versa? Nowadays, with the increased levels of parental involvement, the judgment spills over into all areas of parenthood.
If you’re naive enough to believe you left behind mean-spirited gossip and back-stabbing when you graduated high school – then try stepping onto the playground to await your child at the end of the school day. For some women, it’s no different than walking through a minefield.
In fact, for the shy, timid, sensitive and insecure mom, the simple act of picking your kid up from school can trigger PTSD flashbacks from high school days of entering the crowded cafeteria.
Don’t believe me? Then check out some of these real-life incidents that mothers have experienced. (Names have obviously been changed).
From Melody* – mother of a 9-year-old son
“When my son first started attending the school he’s currently at, I met a mom who was very friendly and she offered to help me out from time to time with pick-ups and drop-offs which was a godsend for me. It didn’t take me long to learn that her friendliness and general helpfulness came at a cost. I had to listen to her constantly put down the school, the teachers, the other parents – even the other kids. And she didn’t have a problem talking this way in front of her kids! There was one kid at the school that was a bit aggressive and rather than deal with it directly by talking to the kid’s parent or reporting it to the teacher, she basically started a witch-hunt. She called up other parents as well as the school board to do what she could to turn everyone against this child and their family. I tried my best to stay out of it, but this one mom is a natural-born ring-leader and the fact that I was staying quiet – in her mind – meant that I wasn’t a loyal follower. Not taking sides meant that I was choosing the side against her. Since then, she has done her best to ice me out on the playground – she organizes plenty of social events for the parents which I’m no longer invited to and she does the same to my son.”
From Jeanne* – mother of twin 8-year-old boys
“I definitely have my go-to moms when I head to the playground to pick the boys up at the end of the day. When I see them standing there, I actually feel like a weight is lifted from my shoulders. There are a few moms who make a point of coming over to chat and I always dread it because the entire conversation is so loaded. I feel like they are actually setting me up. No matter what I say, there’s this raised eyebrow judgment as they glance at one another. And I notice that when I’m talking, they have a phony smile plastered on their faces while their eyes are scanning all other areas of the playground looking for someone else – someone better – to talk to. I do my best to avoid them. And when I can’t, I try not to get drawn in to any conversation – but these women have a way of luring me in!”
From Barbara* – mother of three between the ages of 13 and 17
“I avoid the playground at all costs. As a matter of fact, I feel like I need to do a shot before attending the school’s annual spring fair. I try to be friendly but I always end up feeling like I say the wrong thing. Typically, I end up chatting with the token fathers – they are easier to talk to!”
From Angela* – mother of a 6-year-old girl and one-year-old son
“Last year, when my daughter was in kindergarten I was working full-time so she was picked up by her daycare provider. Mid-year, I started my maternity leave and I was so excited to be able to walk to the school to pick my daughter up at the end of the day. It was maybe my third time picking her up – I was standing there with my newborn son in his stroller when this particular mother stomped right over to me and started telling me 
how mean my daughter was to her daughter. I was completely caught off guard – I had no idea who her kid was or what my daughter had even done! I’m not a confrontational person to begin with – I think I just stood there in shocked silence while this woman berated me and my parenting skills. Finally, another mom stepped in and guided me away from this woman. She told me that this other mom was a known trouble-maker and not to take anything she said seriously. I had a chat with my daughter’s teacher the next day to find out details about the situation and was surprised when she told me there had been no issues between my daughter and this other girl that she knew of. Although she warned me to stay away from this other mother as she had caused some upset with several other parents as well!”
From Carmen* – mother of a 12-year-old daughter and 16-year-old son
“At my kids’ current school, I usually don’t get much of a chance to hang out and chat. On the odd occasion when I do drop the kids off, I definitely see the mom squads scattered throughout the playground – and then I’m wishing I had changed out of my pjs! Although winter is good – because scarves and coats cover up a lot. At the previous school my kids attended, there was a jogging group of mothers who would drop their kids off and mingle with each other and ignore everyone else. I felt snubbed every time I was nearby – no one made an effort to say ‘hello’. Several times, I was asked if I was my son’s nanny! On the bright side, I feel like there are a lot of friendly and down-to-earth moms at the school my kids go to now. I have made more mom-friends here than I ever did at the previous school.”
From Denise* – mother of two daughters aged 6 and 9
“There is one mom in particular – she has a girl the same age as my oldest. Every time I run into this mother, it seems she is in the middle of an emergency and she always asks me if I can take her daughter to my house for a playdate. Often, this ends up extending to over dinner time. One time, she came to get her child at 10pm (and this was on a school night!) My daughters don’t even really like her child – she is a miserable little thing but no wonder – with a mother who is always looking to pawn her off to somebody else. This mother has no qualms calling me up or searching me out on the playground – and there are never any playdate invitations reciprocated at her place. I truly feel for her daughter – but I’ve also developed a back bone and have excuses at the ready for when I run into this mom.”
From Margaret* – mother of a son in senior kindergarten
“I made a shocking realization last year when my son first started school. Many of the moms were non-English-speaking. At first it was fine because we were all in the same boat with our kids just starting out in school and we would talk to each other individually. But as we all got to know one another, the moms formed their own clique and would speak to each other in their language and totally exclude me – even if I was in the original conversation! I eventually stopped talking to them – it was just so rude. I also found this behaviour carried over to the kids – and my son would be excluded. I think it’s important for families to hold onto their own culture and language – but this sort of exclusive behaviour is insulting – not to mention a poor example for our kids.”
From Allie* – mother of four between the ages of 7 and 18
“There is one mother in particular that I avoid at all costs when I head to pick up my youngest at the end of the day. Unfortunately, our sons are friends so it takes a real effort for me to avoid her. From the first time I met her, she has taken it upon herself to bad mouth all the other parents of our sons’ friends; she tells me who I should I steer clear of and who my son should stay away from. Frankly, she is the only one I steer clear of!”
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There is good news to be had – while it may take a bit of work, the playground is also host to supportive, generous, friendly and welcoming individuals. It may just be a matter of sussing out your tribe – but it will be worth it. Here are a couple of rules of thumb when searching for some kindred parents:
- Trust your gut when it comes to parents you meet. If they rub you the wrong way and seem to be toxic – then they probably are.
- Nice kids tend to come from nice parents (although the reverse isn’t always true – perfectly nice parents can have perfectly douchey kids.) So if you notice well-mannered, well-behaved children, let them lead you to their parents. Having another parent approach you to compliment your kids is always a wonderful icebreaker.
- Tune the toxic out and don’t get drawn into any of the playground mud-slinging. No matter what anyone says about anybody else, you be your own judge. If another parent holds this against you, then that pretty much sums them up in a nutshell!
- Avoid the toxic queen bees at all costs. Of course there will be times that you will be stuck – and that’s when you plaster on your biggest smile and bite your tongue.
The cattiness of women against women and moms against moms is nothing shockingly new. It happens in all areas of society, so why not the playground? And while there is no cure-all remedy to remove all the bad apples, we do have the power to push them to the sidelines. By doing so, we will not only be empowering our children – but also making our own lives a whole lot easier.
As Melody* points out: “So many parents have bigger fish to fry than petty playground squabbles. Some are worried about how they’re going to pay their bills or make their mortgage payment or are dealing with things like illness and divorce. I think the playground would be a much more welcoming place if certain parents took a deep breath, a step back and thought about that.”
Already, there is a light at the end of the tunnel as proven by Violet* – mother of a six-year-old boy and three-year-old girl:
“I’ll admit – when my son first started school, I was concerned that I would have nothing in common with the other moms. But as it turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong. First I made friends with my awesome neighbours, then I met Grace* (another mom) who organizes regular mom nights out and I ended up making a lot of other friends. 
While I don’t necessarily have a ton in common with all the ladies – I like them all! And Grace takes care to include everyone – the more the merrier. Since I’ve become a mother, I’ve worked hard to be less-concerned about what people think of me. When I’m on the playground waiting for my son at the end of the day, I just walk up to the closest group of parents and wait alongside them. If they are in the middle of a conversation, then I’ll find another group. I realize not everyone is comfortable doing this – which makes me more aware of other parents who may be standing alone. Apparently, there are a lot of parents out there who have had bad playground experiences – so I wanted to be sure to tell you about my good experiences!”
Amen, Sister!
So true I’m just glad that it isn’t just me seeing this on the playground.
Bitches be cray-cray.