There’s this mean girl who won’t leave my daughter alone. When she’s at school, this girl follows her around, criticizing her every action, mocking her every word. She laughs at her and teases her and makes her feel anxious and insecure.
When my daughter is talking, this mean girl is snickering and whispering about how stupid she is. When my daughter heads out at recess, this mean girl tells her that she is a friendless loser.
I’ve tried talking to my daughter about the situation. I combat what the mean girl says and I tell her that she’s got it all wrong. I tell her that she’s beautiful and hilarious and smart as a whip. I remind her that she has several true friends and that they are more than enough.
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I’ve told my daughter to ignore this mean girl – just pretend she’s not around and that she can’t be heard. If she’s not given power, then she will eventually give up and pick on someone else.
At my wit’s end, I’ve even confronted this mean girl myself. I’ve asked her politely to leave my kid alone. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve even yelled at her – told her she’s wrong and that she needs to stop.
But none of these approaches have worked.
I’m just no match for this other awful child – this mean girl that my daughter is willing to listen to and believe. For some reason, this girl has more influence over my own child than I do – her mother.
According to my daughter – my positive words mean nothing because I HAVE to say them. As her mother, it’s my responsibility to tell her she’s beautiful and funny and awesome. Maybe so. But the heartbreaking part is that I mean them – with all of my heart. Why can’t she see that? Why won’t she believe me? Why is she more willing to listen to the negativity spewing out of this mean girl’s mouth than the loving support pouring out of mine?
The truth of the matter is that this mean girl has more access to my daughter than I do. When my daughter’s in a situation where she feels nervous and uncertain, there she is smirking and snickering; when my daughter lays her head down on her pillow at night, she’s right beside her whispering in her ear. When my daughter is standing at the mirror, the mean girl is right there – looking back at her.
The mean girl is my daughter herself.
I hate hearing my daughter say awful things about herself. My knee-jerk reaction is to tell her she is wrong, to refute her, to provide her with specific examples proving how dead wrong she is, to tell her to stop it.
But these are just more criticisms – more negativity piling on top of what is already there. It’s not helping. It’s definitely not changing her inner dialogue. It’s not fixing the situation.
That said – all is not lost. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, there is plenty that we as parents can do to help our kids get past the negative self-talk they may be bombarded by.
- Empathize and feel compassion: Save the anger and judgement. Don’t tell them they are wrong. Instead, put yourself in their skin and imagine how they feel. Talk to them and get to the bottom of why they feel the way they do. Start a discussion with them and just listen. Without judgement – only support.
- Explain the difference between feelings and facts: This can be a no-brainer to us adults (or maybe not!) but our kids may have a difficult time separating feelings from fact. It’s up to us to spell it out. Just because they feel dumb or ugly – doesn’t mean they actually are. Feelings and personal thoughts are not necessarily factual – often they are subjective and will fade over time – even change from one day to the next. When a person struggles with something or is feeling upset and/or frustrated over a situation – this does not have to translate into stupidity and worthlessness.
Work together as a team: As a parent, it’s important that you be supportive, encouraging, maybe even a bit leading. But when it comes to your child and negative self-talk, you are NOT the one in charge. Your child is. Resist your parental instinct to fix the problem for them. While this may smooth over one particular situation, it will not change the bigger issue. Help your child get to the root of their issues by encouraging in-depth discussion and by helping them reframe their negative self-talk (as in “I’m frustrated and upset right now” rather than “I’m so stupid and this is hopeless”). Ask questions as opposed to offering them straight-up solutions. By encouraging them to think about possible solutions, you are emboldening them to develop positive coping strategies moving forward.
- Foster independence: By letting your kid make choices in their day-to-day life and by encouraging their autonomy, you are creating an environment for them where they are bound to feel confident and empowered.
- Stay positive: Refrain from nit-picking. Avoid being overly critical. When interacting with your child, focus on the positive over the negative.
- Ask for help: If you’re worried or uncertain, then reach out for professional help. Talk to your child’s doctor or contact mental health professionals in your area. They will provide you with the help and support you and your child need.
- Don’t give up: An issue like this is rarely a quick-fix. It may take time and practice – remind your kid of this so they don’t become dejected. Have lots of conversations over a period of time as opposed to one long, in-depth discussion. Check in on your child every so often.
Negative self-talk is a part of life. It’s pretty safe to say that all of us have engaged in some internal dialogue that has been less than flattering – even downright mean.
Let’s face it – a bit of self-criticism is the way we keep ourselves in check. It prevents us from becoming overly confident, self-assured, arrogant a**holes. But balance is key here – because if we over-obsess about our perceived flaws, then we run the risk of destroying our motivation to improve ourselves. To get better; to do better; to be better.
As for my daughter – together we’re following the steps mentioned above.
And we’re getting there.
Thank you so much for this post! I have two daughters, one who is 26 and one who is 15, and we have battled the mean-girl self-talk ourselves. My 15 still struggles with that, and your ideas were very helpful for me. Thanks for sharing this!
This is amazing and so relevant! With my 6 year old girl, we are going through the same process. There isn’t a single trigger that causes her negative self talk. It is many that change daily, and my husband and I and her teachers etc are working to build her up daily. Even the most confident girls have to work through this negative self talk. It is so hard to hear your child talk so meanly to themselves. Empathy, love, positivity! Love love love this post! So well written, full of compassion and so much truth! ♡ Thank you for writing it. 🙂
That “mean girl” has followed me around at different times in my life even as an adult. What a great spin on this idea. Gives me some things to think on. Thanks.
Tanya, sorry your little girl is going through this but it’s fantastic that she has a WONDERFUL Mum like you to keep on reassuring her when she feels this way about herself. I guarantee you, all the positive things you say to her, and efforts you make with her, are doing more good than you know, and are having more impact than they appear.
I have a relative who talks this way about herself, even now sometimes, and it’s hard to hear her say awful things about herself but you are absolutely right, just letting her talk and get to the problem turns her around. Also some of the reassurances and compliments I give her, that appear to fall on deaf ears at the time, do actually find a home with her over the long-term so keep going. I sometimes think it is because they are such intelligent, analytical, independent thinkers that they look at the world, and unfortunately themselves, a little too critically sometimes.
You can tell her from me, as a completely unbiased bystander, I think she absolutely beautiful, clearly intelligent, and I don’t have to say either of those things at all, and have no other reason to say it except because it’s true.
Ugh.. I’m sorry your daughter is going through this. Bullies suck, and I can so far only imagine how hard it is to watch. I faced some particularly nasty ones as a kid and the struggle sticks with me today. Kudos to you for being supportive and trying to give her the strength and strategies to face & overcome this one and with other adversaries down the road.
Hugs to both you and your little girl. I still struggle with my mean girl (now a woman – and those can be even meaner than girls) every day. This is such an important topic, especially for a young girl! Hope your little girl kicks the mean girl’s you know what. And kudos to you for processing this the way you are and being persistent in giving her a more positive way of thinking about herself.
Hello Tanya,
Thank you for this post. This is very helpful for me as a parent.
The other day, my son and I were singing a nursery rhyme and when he couldn’t get the words right, out of frustration, he suddenly said, “Mine’s not perfect like yours!”
I was taken aback by this comment and felt really alarmed. I’ve been a perfectionist most of my life and I am my worst critic, and here I am, hoping that my son doesn’t turn out like me. The negative self-talk is part of being a perfectionist and it can be debilitating instead of being helpful.
I will always keep in mind your advice.
Best,
Sigrid
Thank you for clarifying your article.It puts a different spin on it’s intent.I still say growing up and finding yourself is stressful,especially in a culture that seems to stifle individuality.Encourage instead of discourage.Praise more and critize less.Your writing poignantly reminded me of this.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this post. It has come to my realization that I was unclear about what this post is truly about. It is about my daughter being mean to herself. She is the mean girl who tells her she is stupid. She is the mean girl whispering in her ear. She is the mean girl staring back at her in the mirror. I’ve added an extra sentence to the post that will hopefully clarify this. I apologize for being so ambiguous – and wanted to clear this up as it changes the whole point of my post!
Thanks for clarifying the post, Tanya! It’s actually quite clever of you. I didn’t catch it at first read, but now that you point it out, it’s as clear as day. Sadly, I think there’s a bit of that “mean girl” that talks poorly inside so many of us. I can truly relate having struggled with negative self-talk for most of my life. As a mother, it is so very difficult to see our child do this to themselves. It’s also wonderful that you are helping your daughter through all of these emotions by asking questions.
Sending love & hugs to you and your daughter.
Heidi Hourani
Sending hugs to your Mama heart. Thank you for taking time to post about this, as it is NEVER easy to see your child hurt or struggle.
I know how hard this can be, as my oldest son experienced it relentlessly in 5th grade. We were simply lucky that he choiced into middle school a year early for a STEM program and got out of the destructive cycle at his elementary. His middle school had such fantastic outreach with the kids on bullying that my youngest started there this year. In fact, next week they do a program called Day of Change to promote a positive climate at the school and the kids truly enjoy it.
Here are some resources our school’s counseling department sent out to parents to use to help/continue the conversation with our kids:
http://www.kidpower.org
http://www.stopbullying.gov
https://cyberbullying.org/resources/parents
http://www.thebullyproject.com
I’m sharing for you and any of your readers that this may provide some help to. Stay strong, Mama. <3
It makes me sad to read this and imagine what your daughter is going through.Growing up and finding yourself is stressful enough!Bullies,whether child or adult,are so insecure that they bully to feel superior.That said,there is no excuse for this cruel behaviour.If intervension is required ,then so be it.Let’s stand together and put a stop to bullying.
This was incredibly relevant. Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope that you and your daughter are able to help her move past the negative talk. I think you’re doing a great job!
I experience a similar situation many years ago when my son was in Grade 6. I contacted the school (they were beyond useless) and then the parent. The situation changed immediately once the parent was made aware. Good luck. We are only as happy as our most unhappy child…..
I am sorry to hear that your daughter is going through something like this. It is a difficult thing to go through at a young age. You have given some great advise to help your daughter work through her feelings about the matter. I like the idea of fostering independence. As mothers, it’s sometimes difficult to stand back and let our children handle their issues on their own.
I have 3 daughters of my own and they have also gone through something similar, although not as severe as this. Having been bullied throughout my whole school life, I just couldn’t bear any form of bullying happening to my girls. I’m thankful that my daughters’ school has a NO BULLYING tolerance. So, when my youngest was being bullied, I texted the mother and reminded her of the school’s rules and that if the bullying persisted, I would contact the school and take further action if needed. The mother apologized and advised that she would immediately put an end to it. Thank you for sharing your story!
Love & Hugs
– Heidi Hourani
It’s so sad to hear this and to think any of our children are being hurt especially at school which is supposed to be a place of safety, growth and friendships.
It’s also sad to grow-up and realize so many of these mean girls never change. They just end up being the mean women in the office or in the PTA.
You are so right – the only way to make this behavior stop is to take away their power. I think you are doing this by the way your are counseling your daughter to deal with the behavior.
Great advice and, as always, excellent article.
Ah this is terrible. We dealt with my son being bullied all of last school year. It ended with him being pulled out and switched schools because it got so bad. I am sorry to hear this is happening in your family too. Bullying is never OK.
Thanks for sharing.