The Random Bite and Unpredictable Sting of Social Media

Once bitten, twice shy – this idiom may be true of most things . . . but not when it comes to the siren song of social media and the allure it possesses for my middle child.

Ten years ago, she was a toddler sitting on the lawn petting a neighbour’s dog contentedly. When she moved her chubby hand, the dog became spooked and sunk its teeth into the flesh above her left eye and forehead. Standing a couple of arm lengths away, I was lone witness to the dramatic event as it unfolded.

In seeming slo-mo, a cold sensation washed over me tingling into my fingertips as I remained rooted to the spot, paralyzed; my baby’s cries were muted by the sound of my own blood rushing through my ears. Then my adrenaline kicked in – I ran over to her, screaming for help (my husband was inside). I scooped her up and held her bleeding head against my chest. Meanwhile, the dog stood by sheepishly taking in all the surrounding hubbub.

I’ll never forget this incident for as long as I live – it was the day my favourite sweatshirt was forever ruined.

I tell you this now because this very same feeling – the cold before heat, the cursory dimming of all ambient sound, the temporary paralysis before the spring-board into action – is what I felt looking at my daughter’s Instagram account a few weeks ago.

Never shying away from a steady stream of posting selfies, pix and memes – she looks forward to the reactions they garner – the LOLs, the emojis and the comments. But nothing prepared me for what I saw: a series of anonymous comments posted by trolls; by cowards licking their lips – their verbal brutality enough to make anyone’s blood run cold – but especially that of a mother of an enthusiastic yet somewhat naive pre-teen.

What are you? A boy or a girl?
Yer ugly – kill yourself.

And the worst of the lot:

I hope someone f***s you to death.

My knee-jerk reaction was to have her shut down her social media accounts. Just as ten years prior it was to keep her away from all dogs forever and ever. But then my wits kicked in and my husband and I formulated a much more realistic plan of action. We had her remove the hateful comments and followed up with a necessary albeit difficult conversation focussing on trolls and their widespread depravity.

Surprisingly she didn’t seem as bothered by the comments as we were. Maybe she is too emotionally immature to really get it. Maybe this online rancour is something most kids have already steeled themselves against or maybe it comes with the territory and we’re just unfamiliar with the social media scene. (In the immortal words of Taylor Swift: I shake it off / I shake it off.)

Whatever the case – we asked her to give her social media accounts a bit of a break and assured her – this was in no way any sort of punishment against her. We explained that by having her temporarily dim her social media profile, the hope was for the trolls to move somewhere else. And then she would be free to continue with her online life as per usual.

While my priority is obviously her safety, at the same time I don’t want her fearful. So just as once upon a time, we came up with a list of rules to help our children remain unscathed around dogs:

• Always ask the owner before petting
• Allow them to sniff your hand
• Pet gently but steer clear of their tail
• Don’t pet them when they are eating or chewing

We’ve painstakingly compiled a list of ground rules concerning social media:

• They must ask before using any sort of screen
• We routinely look through their accounts
• We encourage discussion around what they are viewing and posting
• We have amazing friends who help us keep tabs on our children’s social media lives – it takes an online village, right?
• And perhaps most importantly, never under any circumstance should they provide someone with their full name, address or other pertinent information through social media

But even with these safeguards in place, social media can turn unfriendly, snarling, even vicious on a dime. As I’ve come to learn and as my daughter has unfortunately experienced first hand.

Fast forward a week and just as the Insta-booboo started to scab over, the tricky and deceptive nature of social media reared up and struck once again – biting my daughter right on the behind. This time around, the finger of blame was pointed in her direction.

During a group chat, she posted a comment that hurt someone’s feelings. Though that wasn’t her intention is of little relevance. It was posted – tattooing cyberspace for pretty much all of eternity – and it caused another person emotional distress.

As I’ve already stated, this daughter is no stranger to being on the receiving end of hurtful online comments – which only compounded the weight on her conscience. Justice was swift: she wrote (with paper and pen) a sincere apology to the injured party and we removed her access to all things screen and social media (ie. iPad, phone, computer, lap top) for a week’s time.

That was the easy part. Then came the tricky bit – discussing how the written word can easily turn dark when there’s no tone or context surrounding it. How do you explain to an 11-year-old that even a deliberately mean-spirited comment spoken out loud doesn’t carry the same clout as when it’s typed out in black and white?

When a person is impulsive or impetuous, social media, email and texting can prove disastrous – even ruinous. This can be a difficult concept to comprehend when you are in elementary school and are innocent of larger, world-wide machinations at play all around you.

I provided her with some real-life examples – people who have been fired from promising careers over glib and hasty emails; viral tweets that have proven devastating for the careless tweeter; Facebook status updates dashed off by the brash and reckless. Does she get it? Who can say.

As parents of one teenager and two pre-teens, we’ve come to terms with the fact that social media is here to stay. Now it is up to us to help our children navigate toward some level of a healthy coexistence.

The thing is – I will never take away her access to social media.

I’ll monitor it, insist she follow some basic rules, hold her accountable when necessary and do my damndest to protect her as required.

For some people, my daughter included, social media is a creative outlet that allows them access to and acceptance by like-minded individuals. It aids in fostering connections with others when real-life connections are temporarily stymied. It can be a godsend. But in the time it takes for a finger to click a mouse, it can turn on you and feast on your entrails before you even realize an attack has occurred.

And when it bites, I will be there – showing her that I am her soft and supportive place to land. I will embrace her, talk to her, comfort her and patch her up. We’ll look at the situation at hand and figure out how and why it occurred and work to devise a plan to better deal with the situation next time.

Because there will be a next time.