I’m a strong advocate for teenagers retaining their privacy. I believe everyone’s entitled to their secrets – and so long as it doesn’t harm anyone – this goes for teenagers too. But not everybody feels this way – as somebody in my household just recently discovered.
So while my husband and I do not feel the need to comb through our kids’ phones and read their personal messages, texts and chats; we don’t believe in taking their personal conversations or curious modes of self-expression and holding them over their heads as a punishment of sorts – this is pretty much exactly what has occurred. And it’s something our daughter has no control over. It’s also something my husband and I have no control over.
***************************************************************************
Still not a subscriber to Pencils and Popcans? Why the heck not — it’s free!
***************************************************************************
It’s been a reality check to say the least – and something that will serve us all well moving forward.
Lesson #1: the minute you put anything in writing – electronically or otherwise – there is a chance you can lose control of that content. There’s the very real possibility that the intended recipient of your message will show it to someone else or accidentally allow someone else to view it or have someone forcibly remove the message and read it themselves. The only 100% fool proof way to ensure privacy remains – is to keep everything locked inside your brain and not allow an idea to see the light of day.
But where’s the fun in that?
Lesson #2: as a teenager, your parents may believe that you are entitled to your privacy. They may feel that you have the right to your exclusive messages, private communications and personal space. They may not see any need to thoroughly examine your personal files and texts and emails and read through them on any given day.
But not every parent feels this way.
And when a kid sends a (what they assume is private) communication to someone whose parents don’t share the same views surrounding teens and privacy that their own parents maintain – then that private correspondence may be intercepted, dissected and judged – in a once-removed sort of situation.
***************************************************************************
A parent went through a teenager’s phone and discovered a wealth of impropriety. <GASP>
****************************************************************************
Personally, I’m not going to judge a kid based on some perceived vulgarities and improprieties between friends; or because of the way this kid does her makeup or styles her hair; or because she likes to wear elf ears on occasion and bunny ears on alternate occasions.
Partially because I remember what it was like being that age – where you try on a variety of overlapping identities like a Venn diagram – to see what sticks. Kids are kids: they’re going to slam their parents and use excessive profanity and do what they need to in order to fit in and appear cool. There are worse things.
And partially because I happen to have a high threshold for vulgarity and impropriety – it’s how I’m wired.
But that’s me.
Other individuals may feel they are well within their rights to go through their children’s phones and read private messages – to and from their child. Perhaps these very same parents would go through their child’s diary or journal – if any kid even keeps a diary or journal nowadays. And maybe they’re not wrong. I have no idea – I just know I’m not going to do that.
The problem is there’s an overlap occurring: when my child sends a message, a text, an email, contributes to a group dialogue – to another kid – whose parents do read/go through/invade – in order to protect, mind you (or so they claim); where this other parent pronounces judgments on my kid and others because of the contents of “so-called” private communications; where this other parent thinks their level of parental control somehow extends into controlling my child’s behaviour and actions rather than just sticking to their own; where this other parent feels the need to send a thinly-veiled email to other parents about keeping the kids safe but which in actuality reeks of self-righteousness and judgment.
Either way, my kid feels like her privacy has been breached and that she has no control over any of it. And I’m telling her she does. She just has to figure out the best course of action or the best series of actions she has to take in order to gain control. The way I see it, she has several options:
- Stop all online correspondence with any and all spawn of known diary-readers – keep it to IRL only. This may not be a viable option in today’s pandemic-laced world – but there it is.
- Monitor herself when corresponding with certain kids. Keep the f-bombs to a minimum (or better yet – to nil). Read everything over carefully with the eye of a protective parent – before pressing send.
- Simply do as you will and ignore any and all ensuing judgement. This one’s my favourite as I feel if my little snowflake wants to dish it out, then she needs to learn how to take it.
The dilemma’s a tough one. And neither option is an easy, guaranteed solution.
As a parent, it’s always satisfying when a life lesson butts its head into your kid’s life – without your lifting a finger. It’s all the more gratifying when it’s a messy lesson that reminds your kid how good they have it with you as their parent.
All I can say with certainty is this: I like my kid the way she is. And unless I have reason not to . . . I trust her too. I don’t need to invade her privacy to justify either of these sentiments.
Oh my,times have changed since raising my 2! First of all there was no social media to keep a watchful eye,only nosy neighbours and caring teachers to sound the alarm bells.I.too.was a parent who didn’t pry or spy because ,personally, I felt this would lead to my children lying.I try not to judge others on their parenting methods but I will say,according to your article,these parents are taking the term ‘helicopter parents’ to an extreme and dangerous level.