I Got a Letter and it Changed My Mind

I received a very interesting letter the other day. To be fair, it was actually an email – but it had been carefully crafted and written with a precision that I imagine took some time and effort.

Reading this letter gave me pause, it made me rethink some of my previous actions and more importantly – it changed my mind regarding a specific matter.

Here’s my point – letter-writing may be an old-fashioned and slowly fading art – going the way of cursive writing and typewriters – but it shouldn’t be. Because a thoughtful and well-constructed letter is the ideal way to get your point across to someone – especially someone who may be staunch and obstinate in their ideas and opinions.

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There’s always the chance that the recipient of said letter tosses it in the trash without reading it. But there’s also the chance that they read it. And after reading it, there’s the chance that your words harness the power required to change a person’s mind.

I have two daughters – two girls that I encourage to creatively yet safely express themselves as they see fit. At the same time, I also don’t want either of them to grow up too quickly. Add to this my firm belief in not giving in to all their immediate whims and demands and you may consider me one strict and rigid mama.

When my girls were young and wanted to wear nail polish – I painted their nails for them. While some of their friends were treated to occasional visits to the nail salon, I informed them that this would be a special treat for them once they became teenagers.

When it came to colouring their hair, they were welcome to try the Kool-Aid trick (messy and not all it’s cracked up to be) or some other temporary colour – otherwise something more permanent could wait until they turned 16. And don’t even get me started on piercings and tattoos – all in good time.

My thinking was that these particular non-essential rites of passage for girls (and boys) would take on an extra-special, maybe even memorable quality because of this anticipatory build-up. Maybe my girls would grow up knowing that getting their nails done and roots coloured aren’t a necessity but a frivolous perk.

Also – I don’t want to be the one paying!

I guess I’m on the hook to supply food, clothing and shelter – but professional manicures and dye jobs? Not on my dime.

About six months ago, my middle daughter started working on me to let her colour her hair. I’m not talking a few complimentary highlights either – this was some serious Cruella Deville sh**! But her older sister wasn’t able to colour her hair until age 16 and by my count, this kid still had another 18 months to go. So she placated herself and bought a wig – and for a time, all was right in our world.

Until she got bored with the wig and started working on me to bend the rule – the seemingly arbitrary rule that I created – to let her dye her beautiful, healthy and au naturel head of hair. I told her I was done discussing it until her sweet 16 birthday and that was the end of that.

Then I received this letter – and it pretty much changed everything.

One afternoon – there it was in my in-box. A clear and succinct – and admittedly quite humourous essay on why my daughter should be able to dye her hair. It consisted of five points supporting her thesis and wrapped up with a brief conclusion.

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Wanna read something else this kid wrote? She authored a guest post for this blog about a teen’s perspective on COVID-19. Click here to check it out.
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And what can I say – it changed my mind.

Reading this letter, I heard what she was saying. One of her strongest points revolved around the fact that her older sister had to wait until she turned 16, which meant she had to wait until she turned 16. This is what she had to say about that:

“(This is) about me wanting to express MYSELF . . . it’s funny how when I want something, you focus on everyone BUT me while making your arguments . . .”

She got me there. It wasn’t until I read these words in black and white (Cruella pun intended) that I realized that was exactly what I was doing.

Colouring her hair is important to her – and it hasn’t been for her older sister. Case in point, the older one is edging in on 17 and couldn’t be bothered to touch a virgin hair on her head.

I learned something important from this letter:

• That I can be immovable and unflinching in my sometimes flawed ideas
• That I need to consider my children are three unique individuals with varying needs and wants
• That changing your mind doesn’t make you a weak-minded parent.

My kids learned an important lesson as well. The pen is mightier than the sword. The pen – can even be mightier than a stubborn mother’s arbitrary rules.

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