Kids And Resilience (and how to teach our little tubthumpers to get back up again)

The world’s got some major problems – in case you didn’t know – our polar ice caps are melting. But even worse, so are our little snowflakes. What started off as sweet mini tantrums during the toddler years are turning into not-so-sweet anxiety attacks as teenagers – and I shudder to think about what’s in store for this young generation once they reach full-blown adulthood.

But it’s not too late – we still have time to reach our babies before they thaw. As parents, it’s in our power to help extinguish the snow flake metaphor that describes our generation of children once and for all. And that power lies in one simple word:

Resilience.

Even more important than ambition and good grades; more crucial than manners and intelligence and wealth; more meaningful than social status and marital status and professional status. Resilience is our kids’ ticket to living successful lives.

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Resilience: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; the ability to bounce back, adapt, roll with the punches; an all-around toughness. This may very well be the number one lesson we as parents should be instilling in our children.

Of course, some kids are just more naturally inclined to be resilient. They are often labelled as easy-going and good-natured. They have the built-in ability to take things in stride; they are not overly sensitive; they are adept at dealing with the unexpected; they handle disappointment like a boss.

However, if resilience is not a part of your child’s natural personality, then it’s critical that it become so.

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Salima A. is the most recent winner of an Indigo gift card – and all she had to do was sign up as a Pencils and Popcans subscriber. Thank you, Salima – for all of your support!
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Here are some tell-tale signs that your kid may need a bit of help in their resilience-training: 

• They often come home from school crying about the day’s slights: other kids were mean to them, the teacher yelled at them, they didn’t get invited to so-and-so’s birthday party.
• They typically avoid any situation that may be negative or perceived as difficult: they won’t play on a team, they steer clear of heavy conversations or confrontation, they prefer to avoid people rather than face them.
• They are extremely dependent on others – especially their parents for things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.
• They can’t stand the thought of losing, failing or being disappointed. In fact, you as their parent would move heaven and earth so that they don’t have to experience any of this
• As their parent, you are often drawn into their drama and are expected to resolve the problems they face in their day-to-day existence.

It’s easier said than done. For example – I just received a frantic, tear-filled phone call and as soon as I’m done typing this sentence I need to find a forgotten binder amidst a pile of dirty laundry and loose papers on a bedroom floor and drive it to the nearest high school . . . or the earth may very well end.

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Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse is not only a great movie to watch with your kids but also showcases excellent examples of resilience throughout. For more info, check out this awesome article written by: Nikki Martyn.
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Parenthood is a never ending and always-changing balancing act for us to master. While we need to give our kids enough space to rise to the occasion in resolving their own problems, at the same time, we need to ensure we aren’t over-burdening them by saddling them with unrealistic expectations.

Here’s what we as parents can do to help our kids become more resilient:

• Offer up our guidance and support; provide them with some suggestions and our general two cents BUT then take a step back and let our kids handle their own stuff.
• Remind our kids that they aren’t alone – others have felt the same way and experienced the same sorts of stresses as they have. This reminder will help our kids from falling into the pity party trap by changing their poor-me focus. It will also drive home the concept that kids can rely on themselves. They possess the power and control to get through any situation they are faced with. 
• Let our kids know that it’s okay to share their worries and concerns with others. Connections are important. Reaching out to family, friends and other trusted adults can help kids feel less isolated and alone.
• Alter the way our kids view uncertainty. Only one thing in life is certain – and that is the level of uncertainty that it will always contain. The sooner our kids come to view uncertainty as more of a challenge and less of a scary and avoidable concept, the better equipped they will be for life.
• Avoid over-planning for the unknown. As well-intentioned as coming up with Plans A, B, C and D can be, this over-preparation can lead to further feelings of anxiety in kids. Better to focus on some general guidance and quash the incessant “what ifs”. 
• Help kids to understand and handle their sometimes overwhelming emotions. It’s always okay to feel emotions – even typically negative ones like anger, sadness and disappointment. But there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to articulate and express these feelings.
• Don’t assign kids too much control in specific situations. For example – let your child choose which restaurant the family eats supper at or what clothes to wear in the morning but don’t ask them to choose their own punishment or let them decide how they will own up for their bad behaviour. Typically, kids will always choose the easy way out and do what’s necessary to avoid unpleasant situations – even when facing up is the right thing to do. That’s why in certain instances, it’s up to us as parents to take the reins – and tell our kids what’s expected of them. Then ensure they follow through.

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A gardening article in the Toronto Star entitled “Prepare your seedlings for the real world” goes on to state: “Blow on, shake or gently brush your seedlings regularly to encourage them to become stocky plants better able to handle the elements.” How apropos!
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Our child’s problem is not always our problem. Remind yourself of this whenever you are tempted to step in and solve a dispute for your child or the next time they call you up and beg you to root around their bedroom for their misplaced homework and then plead with you to drop it off at their school’s office. Some stress and anxiety are good for them. There is no other way for them to develop resilience if their lives are kept as stress-free and simple as possible.

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If all else fails, then get out your big guns and blare Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit song Tubthumping on repeat at full volume.
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Let’s not worry about our kids being the best. Instead, let’s focus on them brushing things off and not taking everything so personally. Let’s show them how to bounce back from disappointment and not take the word “no” as a personal affront. Let’s allow them to learn something from their personal failures that will help propel them forward.

Let’s ensure they develop a tougher exterior than that of a mincing little snowflake.

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