I just finished watching the 2018 documentary The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling and I just can’t shake it.
This two-part series paints a portrait of Shandling – a hilarious, brilliant, hard-working man – who also happens to be tortured, haunted, neurotic. A man, who at 66 – was never quite capable of getting over the death of his older brother more than 50 years earlier; a man who despite appearing successful by conventional standards – was never quite capable of escaping the suffocating and possibly even inappropriate love of a hovering mother.
When Garry was 10, his 13-year-old brother Barry died of cystic fibrosis. One day Barry was there – and the next he wasn’t. No one prepared Garry for this loss, no one allowed him to see his brother to say “goodbye”, no one even uttered the words: “Your brother has died. It’s okay to be sad.”
He never attended the funeral. Instead he was “spared” so he didn’t have to see his mother cry. This was what was eventually offered to him in lieu of an explanation. According to extended family, Barry was rarely spoken about again – if ever.
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Within the documentary, there is footage of Garry’s parents being interviewed – discussing Garry’s fame. When his father brings up Barry and how he believes his loss had a profound effect on Garry’s life and upbringing, his mother is quick to jump in and request not to discuss the topic further. It is clearly a painful one.
Even Garry’s long-term and closest friends knew how prickly he could be about subjects he wasn’t interested in discussing. They could sense which topics were off limits – his brother was one such taboo subject. While they knew he had a brother who had died at a young age – it wasn’t until Garry died that those closest to him began to understand how consumed he was by both the overwhelming affect of Barry’s death as well as how this loss and grief was handled by the Shandling family.
A major repercussion landing on Garry’s shoulders – was how his own mother dealt with her unimaginable grief over losing a son. The loss of Barry became Garry’s gain – as his mother focussed her energy on over-mothering Garry – some would even say inappropriately.
Garry’s humour often reflected his deepest truths:
“My mother wants grandchildren but she’s conflicted – because they can’t be from another woman.” – Garry Shandling
Throughout the documentary, those close to Garry examine the possible reasons he was never willing to commit to anyone in terms of marriage, never able to have a child of his own. Perhaps he was afraid of carrying the CF gene and passing it on to his own children. Maybe watching his mother lose and grieve a child was enough to scare Garry off of ever loving a child that had the potential to die.
Who’s to say? It doesn’t really matter. Garry however did realize the toll his brother’s death had – on his family, on his childhood, on his mother, on his own adult life. He also recognized his inexplicable and frustrating inability to connect with anyone on a deeply emotional level.
An incessant note-taker and writer and keeper of journals – these extremely significant scraps of paper and hastily jotted notes make up a large portion of the documentary. In a way, they put on display to the audience what was going through Garry’s mind at certain points in time – his realizations, his hopes, his sometimes fruitless attempts to change his path.
After Garry’s sudden death of a heart attack at age 66, a letter was found – written to his brother Barry. Perhaps, the most heartbreaking part of the doc – he tells Barry how when he died, Garry felt like he died too. It is through this letter, penned more than 50 years after the fact, that Garry is finally able to say goodbye to his beloved brother. He lets his brother know how loved he was and is and how profound an effect his life has had on his own – despite the fact that he only lived for 13 years.
After Garry’s death, his friends picked through the paper trail of their friend’s tormented thoughts. Collectively, they try to connect the dots. Was his hardened stance on loyalty and his constant seeking of strong friendships a way of replacing the loss of his first and inarguably most important friendship – that of his older brother who had abandoned him without warning all those years prior?
The sadness permeating from this documentary is palpable – the could haves and would haves and should haves left floating. But as a parent, it struck a chord of fear in me as well. How easily a parent – any parent, a good parent even – can inadvertently damage their child. How even things beyond our own human control have potential to do harm and forever stunt.
Are we as parents destined to saddle our own personal and individualized hang-ups onto the unsuspecting tender shoulders of our children? I try to be honest and open with my kids. I don’t want them to feel that any topic is off limits for discussion. I try not to shelter them too much from the general unpleasantness that life has to offer. But at the same time, I don’t want them to be overwhelmed, or anxious, or scared – or even worse – de-sensitized by any of it either.
But am I doing it right?
Or will one day, their closest friends be picking through the wreckage of their lives after they are gone and pinpointing where I went wrong as their mother?
After all, I still possess the power to change the very fabric of their being; to alter their rightful course in this life. The way I treat them and handle them and even love them may one day affect their future ability to be fulfilled, to feel empowered, to be content, to inspire connection, to feel valued, to have a sense of self-worth.
I guess time will tell. And when time does tell . . . let’s hope I’m long gone. Until then – I’ll get back to the task of forever f***ing up my kids. I suggest you do the same.
How was Garry Shandling’s mother to know what effect the death of his brother would have on him?She tried to protect him from the grief she was feeling.Perhaps grief councelling would have helped,I watched the documentary and make no judgement.Back then child rearing was different than today.What I like about your story is that you offer no answers to the ‘damned if you do,damned if you don’t’ dilema of parenting.Sometimes,we are hardest on ourselves and our children are our harshest critic!